Black Friday was a couple of weeks ago, but that doesn’t mean America isn’t still in a fight-to-the-death mindset when it comes to holiday shopping. It’s dangerous out there, and unless you’re equipped with a thousand tranquilizer darts and copies of O Magazine to take on the housewives, your life could be in danger. It seems grim, but there’s good news. I’ve compiled a list of gadgets and gobbledygook for everyone on your Christmas list that you can order online, so you don’t have to risk your life in the midst of holiday shopper crowds.
December 6, 2010 | Categories: Awkward, Bored, Food, Holidays, Humor, Oprah, Pop Culture, Uncategorized, WTF | Tags: 1865, 700, adventure, annoying, aunt, baby shaving, bitch, blades, bookworm, boring, cats, Christmas, Christmas list, cranky, crotchety, emo, emo kid, family, fat, fly, gifts, Gillette, Going Rogue: An American Life, grizzly bear chair, Holidays, hunting, husband, irritating, knit, lackluster, leiderhosen, Life Alert, love, man, men, Michel Lichtenstein, modern art, morbidly obese, mother in law, Museum of Unnatural History, obligated, obligation, old lady, personality, pillow, presents, pumpkin, razor, redneck, relative, safari, safari hat, Sarah Palin, scholar, shopping, slut, son, soup, soup bowl, statue, sweater, Teeth, travel, turkey hat, Ultimate Man Razor, uncle, unicorn tears, vacation, vagina dentada, weird, whore, wrinkle cream, XXL | Leave A Comment »
…Unless you count DayQuil.
1. I sang to my boyfriend’s cat, Shadow. I sang him a ballad entitled “Shadow” to the tune of Frère Jacques. The lyrics consisted of “Shadow, Shadow, Shadoooooooow”.
2. I performed a questionably seductive* dance with a small bottle of apple juice in the middle of Kroger.
August 28, 2010 | Categories: Bored, Comedy, Disease, Drugs, Heath, Humor, Illness, Medicine, Sickness, TV, Uncategorized, Wellness | Tags: ABC Family, ailment, apple juice, Avril Lavigne, bed, Ben and Jerry's, blanket, boobs, bored, boyfriend, bra, Campbell's, cat, cats, Chicken, children, common cold, concert, dance, Dating in the Dark, drugs, erotic dance, farts, felines, fever, flatulence, Frere Jaques, funny, get rich quick, health, homicide, ice cream, Joey Lawrence, kids, Kroger, life, medicine, Melissa and Joey, Melissa Joan Hart, Melissa Joan Heart, money, seductive, seventh grade, shadow, sick, sickness, sleep, soup, suicide, TV, wacky, wellness | Leave A Comment »