Justin Bieber (or as I like to call him, Justin Gerber) is a pop sensation, and as such, it is his duty to amass large quantities of money by plastering his face to everything. Such is capitalism. There is a line, though, between Bieber Fever and Bieber Schizophrenia. Bieber Fever inspires a lot of merchandise, like t-shirts, posters, and teddy bears. Bieber Schizophrenia, on the other hand, generates weird crap like this:
12. JB Barbie: Yeah, Barbie, not Ken. You can’t expect me to look at that face and see a man. And how weird does this thing look? It’s just, like, staring… looking nowhere in particular, probably wishing its hair wasn’t painted onto its head like that. Maybe it’s the failed-decapitation neck slit that’s throwing me off, but something about this G.I. Joe-gone-wrong just doesn’t sit right with me.
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September 19, 2011 | Categories: Humor, Pop Culture, Shopping, Uncategorized | Tags: 3D, ass, baby, Barbie, booty shorts, cardboard, cat toy, concert, cut out, dental, doll, floss, glasses, glock cover, gun, JB, Justin Bieber, life size, marc jacobs, marketing, merchandise, Music, Never Say Never, perfume, piggy bank, pillow, pop, products, singing toothbrush, someday, sponge monkeys, wall decal, When a Stranger Calls, WTF | 1 Comment »
This year, I cannot celebrate Valentine’s Day and must instead celebrate Singles Awareness Day. You see, I recently got dumped. It was for the best, though, because my ex was practically verbally abusive. He’d say unnecessarily hurtful things, like, “I don’t think you should carry that gun on school property” and “I find it somewhat strange that you’ll only sleep on mattresses stuffed with human hair” and “I think your collection of disembodied doll heads is a little creepy”. I mean, dragging my doll heads into his personal problems? What a freak.
Anyway, because I’m single now, I’ve made a list of fun things single people can do on Singles Awareness Day (SAD):
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February 13, 2011 | Categories: Awkward, Bored, Comedy, Holidays, Humor, Internet, Pop Culture, Uncategorized, WTF | Tags: $13000 watch, amusement, army, bf, bikini, Blockbuster, book, break up, Breaking the Waves, butts, canoe, canoeing, canoeing in cold weather, casual sex, cats, celebrate, celebration, church, cold weather, comedy, condom, couples, crazy, Dancer in the Dark, dancing, dating, death in seven days, depressing movies, doll collection, doll head collection, ex, ex-boyfriend, ex-girlfriend, expensive clothes, Facebook, Facebook profile, family friendly, Feb 14, February 14, feces, four wheelers, freak, friends, fun, fun things to do, funny, garden gnomes, getting dumped, getting laid on Valentine's Day, gf, gnomes, Go Taco Bell Surfing, gun, hairy, Have a Romantic Comedy Movie Marathon, Hit Up a Nightclub, Home Depot, homemade, horny, Hotel Rwanda, locker room, mall, mashed potatoes, mate, mattresses with human hair, meat filler, men, Million Dollar Baby, mom, neighborhood, night club, nonmeat, overweight, paint, paint the town red, paint trees, parking lot, personal problems, pigeon poop, pigeons, pool, poor people, potatoes, preschooler, public swimming pool, rat poison, Read a Where’s Waldo Book While Steering a Canoe in a Public Swimming Pool, red paint, romance, romantic comedies, romantic movies, Run Over Potatoes with a Four-Wheeler in a Church Parking Lot, SAD, school, Send Your Ex Supportive Facebook Messages, Seven Pounds, single, Singles Awareness Day, small children, social, socialize, Sophie’s Choice, speeding, strangers, stray cats, surfing, swim, swimming, Taco Bell, tacos, teens, Thanksgiving, The Fly, Tie Garden Gnomes on Local Stray Cats’ Backs, towel, town, Valentine's Day, Walk Alone in a Bad Neighborhood, walking along at night, walking through a bad neighborhood, watch you sleep, wet, wet towel, Where's Waldo, Whip Prospective Mates’ Butts with a Wet Towel, X games | Leave A Comment »
1. Snakes on a Plane teaches us to put our children’s safety above all else with this cardinal rule: always carry a gun on a plane. This should be obvious. The threat of snakes, orangutans, piranha, and other wild animals on planes is no laughing matter. The only way to take down a lei-horny snake is to shoot it, despite the fact that you’ve probably already killed several others with homemade flamethrowers, knives, and broken bottles duck-taped to sticks. Remember parents: put your child’s wellbeing first. Carry a gun so you can shoot the snake before it shoots your child.
2. I bet before you saw Snakes on a Plane, you thought small children were the most susceptible to death by snakebite. Wrong! Snakes on a Plane teaches us that children have special black cobra antibodies, and these antibodies keep the small children alive for hours and hours while the bitten adults collapse and die around them. So next time Camp Counselor Willy takes them out for a tent-time adventure, don’t pack the snakebite kit. Instead, keep it close to you in your home, because snakes are 73% more likely to attack you in a residential area than in the woods. Of that 73%, they are 56% more likely to attack you indoors. Fact.
3. Stop playing fetch with your dog and start playing fetch with your dog. Snakes on a Plane demonstrates the fun of playing fetch with a snake, using your dog in place of a stick or ball. Children love this activity, and it’s completely G-rated. In fact, snake fetch was one of the most cherished family activities of Roman times, seconded only by BBB, baby booze binging. Take a cue from the Romans and round up your kiddos in the backyard for a game of snake fetch before dinner. You can even add to the fun by tossing your child at the snake instead of the dog!
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August 10, 2010 | Categories: Uncategorized | Tags: 8, aircraft, airplane, bite, Bring It, child, children, Clarence, Cobra Starship, cult classic, dogs, fetch, flight, great, guide, gun, kid, main character, movies, P Diddy, Parenting, passengers, plane, Samuel L. Sackson, sluts, snakes, Snakes on a Plane | Leave A Comment »
12. JB Barbie: Yeah, Barbie, not Ken. You can’t expect me to look at that face and see a man. And how weird does this thing look? It’s just, like, staring… looking nowhere in particular, probably wishing its hair wasn’t painted onto its head like that. Maybe it’s the failed-decapitation neck slit that’s throwing me off, but something about this G.I. Joe-gone-wrong just doesn’t sit right with me.
