“How does someone even get knocked out twice in one day?” I heard Andy ask. Everything was black. I couldn’t see.
“I can’t see!” I wailed.
“Open your eyes, dumbass,” Andy said.
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January 10, 2011 | Categories: Awkward, Bored, Comedy, Fiction, High School, Humor, Love, Romance, Uncategorized | Tags: Andy, bed, broken nose, Cavan, concussion, dinner, doctor, embarrassment, family, fiction, friend, health, high school, hospital, I Punched a Girl, janitor, knock out, mom, mommy, relationship, romance, Shelby Waters, shit my cake says, sleep, surgery | Leave A Comment »
Black Friday was a couple of weeks ago, but that doesn’t mean America isn’t still in a fight-to-the-death mindset when it comes to holiday shopping. It’s dangerous out there, and unless you’re equipped with a thousand tranquilizer darts and copies of O Magazine to take on the housewives, your life could be in danger. It seems grim, but there’s good news. I’ve compiled a list of gadgets and gobbledygook for everyone on your Christmas list that you can order online, so you don’t have to risk your life in the midst of holiday shopper crowds.
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December 6, 2010 | Categories: Awkward, Bored, Food, Holidays, Humor, Oprah, Pop Culture, Uncategorized, WTF | Tags: 1865, 700, adventure, annoying, aunt, baby shaving, bitch, blades, bookworm, boring, cats, Christmas, Christmas list, cranky, crotchety, emo, emo kid, family, fat, fly, gifts, Gillette, Going Rogue: An American Life, grizzly bear chair, Holidays, hunting, husband, irritating, knit, lackluster, leiderhosen, Life Alert, love, man, men, Michel Lichtenstein, modern art, morbidly obese, mother in law, Museum of Unnatural History, obligated, obligation, old lady, personality, pillow, presents, pumpkin, razor, redneck, relative, safari, safari hat, Sarah Palin, scholar, shopping, slut, son, soup, soup bowl, statue, sweater, Teeth, travel, turkey hat, Ultimate Man Razor, uncle, unicorn tears, vacation, vagina dentada, weird, whore, wrinkle cream, XXL | Leave A Comment »
It’s huge, it’s gelatinous, it’s blood-thirsty, and it’s coming to a laptop screen near you! It’s… it’s… my chin!
I’d like to think that everyone has their own “bad angles” when it comes to photographs. I’d like to think that, but the reality is this: when faced with a camera, my chin grows to proportions other chins can only dream of.
When I look in the mirror, I see one chin. In most pictures of me, I see one chin. My loving (and lying) boyfriend has assured me that I indeed have only one chin.
If this is true, then why did these happen?
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September 15, 2010 | Categories: Beauty, Bored, Health, Humor, Uncategorized | Tags: 21, appearance, bad angle, beauty, black, camera, chin, chins, eyes, family, fat, horror, laptop, party, photographs, self confidence, self-esteem, shy, universe | Leave A Comment »
What does pink zebra print have to do with family real estate?
The answer is absolutely nothing. So why does the Mercer family think a promotional van covered in pink zebra print is a good idea?
Mercer Family Realty serves Denton, TX. They’re there to help you sell a house, buy a house, and blind you with their eyesore of a van.
About two weeks ago, I was driving home from work and saw a black van covered in pink zebra print. I figured it was a promotional van for some kind of tween girl clothing store or “edgy” cake bakery. I was surprised to see that it was actually advertising real estate. It took me a while to regain my sight after it was taken from me by the uncomfortable juxtaposition of family realty and pink animal print.
A few days ago, I saw the van again, parked outside a grocery store. Sighting a van twice in roughly two weeks? Hardly seems coincidental.
I am convinced Mercer Family Realty is following me. But that’s not important. Maybe it’s important.
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August 26, 2010 | Categories: Uncategorized | Tags: 1997, bad taste, black, family, guns, houses, housing, machine guns, Mercer Family Realty, pink, promotional van, real estate, realty, rifles, ugly, van, web design, zebra, zebra print | 1 Comment »
