Sitting across from me, intermittently checking his phone, sat the bane of my existence. Not the boy with the golden hair and silver eyes, but the combination of his words and the fact that it was him saying them. Him, the nonchalant object of my acute affection. Straight-faced, looking away, he uttered the soul-crushing words, “that’s hilarious.”
In my experience, only men say this phrase. It’s not that women don’t say it, just that I never hear them. Maybe because they know how cutting a comment like that can be. You see, “that’s hilarious” is never used when something is actually hilarious. It’s used when your joke fell flat and the listener thought the joke was so bad they either needed to light themselves on fire or ease the awkwardness of the situation, which is sometimes the easier option despite the bounty of half-empty Bic lighters littering the streets these days. “That’s hilarious” should invoke feelings of comfort. It’s a polite thing to say. Polite is good, but it’s generally clouded with white lies that are hard to see through, like the water in public swimming pools. You can’t tell a leaf from a used Band-Aid… figuratively (whatever that means). The sayer of “that’s hilarious” is basically saying, “I recognize the fact that you told a joke but it wasn’t funny. I can’t force myself to laugh but I don’t want you to be embarrassed.”
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August 12, 2012 | Categories: Awkward, Comedy, Humor, Social, Uncategorized | Tags: attraction, awkward, colloquialism, conversation, crush, duplicity, funny, hidden, hilarious, hilarity, intent, intention, joke, laughter, love, meaning, not funny, rejection, saying, situation, slang, social interaction, that's hilarious | Leave A Comment »
I know. This is something we’re not supposed to admit. I say “we” because you do it too.
Cyber stalking. Cyberstalking. Is it one word or two? I’m going with one from here on out because… um… regardless:
Cyberstalking: America’s pastime (like it was ever really baseball anyway).
I used to think the biggest consequence of cyberstalking was being thought of as weird or creepy, or, more rarely, having the person you’re cyberstalking catch you in the act and having them ask, “Why is my name in your Google search bar?” and you’re like, “Uhhhhh I was just testing my search engine to make sure it worked” and they’re like, “I don’t believe you” and you’re like, “Well you shouldn’t be looking at my computer screen anyway” and they’re like, “That’s my computer and this is my house and how the hell did you get in here?!”
Ahem. Anyway, since I openly admit I am both weird and creepy, the stigma of cyberstalking someone (usually someone I’m attracted to) rarely keeps me from doing it. Not anymore though. Never again.
Or maybe always again.
That probably doesn’t make sense to you. Allow me to explain: (more…)
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July 22, 2012 | Categories: Bored, Comedy, Death, Humor, Internet, Love, Uncategorized, WTF | Tags: attraction, boy, crazy, creep, creeper, creeping, creepy, cross dress, crush, cyber, cyberstalking, Facebook, funny, goth, guy, identity, insane, Lars von Trier, lesson, lie, life, online, peek, persona, personality, profile, scary, split, stalking, weird | 4 Comments »
Shelby’s pre-cal class was about five feet from where we were standing, so the walk to her class was not a long one.
“Thanks for walking me all the way to my faraway class,” she said.
Loser, I thought to myself. What were you thinking? “Hey, Shelby, want me to walk you to your class that’s only a Verne Troyer and a half away from where we’re standing right now?”
“Look, what I was going to ask you earlier is if—”
“’Sup, Shelby,” Todd’s voice boomed, interrupting her. He put his meaty arm around her waist, and she immediately slinked away. He looked at me. “’Sup, Queer.”
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February 20, 2011 | Categories: Awkward, Bored, Comedy, Fiction, High School, Humor, Love, Pop Culture, Romance, Uncategorized, WTF | Tags: class, crush, dick, dildo, dildos, douche, fear, high school, I Punched a Girl, jocks, laugh, locker, locker penis, love, penis, pre-cal, romance, shit my cake says, shitmycakesays, Verne Troyer, vibrator | 1 Comment »
Yahoo! Answers is a breeding ground for teenagers, the desperate, trolls, and troll dolls, so naturally, I hang out there sometimes. I’ve compiled a list of the weirdest questions I’ve come across in that weird, weird place in cyberspace.
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February 6, 2011 | Categories: Awkward, Bored, Comedy, Creepy, Drugs, Humor, Internet, Uncategorized, WTF | Tags: Alabama, answers, ants, attraction to cats, aunt, Axe body spray, back, balls of steel, bendy straw, black ants, blow up doll, boyfriend, boys, brother, butt itches, butter, can you eat ants, cannibalism, cats, chocolate, cigarettes, clubbing, cocaine, coffee, condoms, cousin sex, crazy, crazy girls, crazy people, creepy, crush, dare, dental floss, distilled water, do you like waffles, do you think I'm pretty, drugs, drunk, energy drink, exams, exercise, fire ants, first cousin, first trimester, gatorade, girlfriend, girls, gym, high, high school, high school sex, hot tub, hours, incest, inch, Internet, male enhancement, mayonnaise, meat, mom, mom sex, nervous game, Oedipus complex, old, penis, penis enhancement, penis enlargement, permission, pervert, police, poop, poop stuck, poop stuck in butt, pregnancy, Prince Charles, rectal itching, red bull, relationships, Rock star, rockstar, rooster, second cousin, sex in school, shoulders, singles and dating, sister, studying, substance abuse, suicide threat, teenagers, teens, trash, trolls, waffles, WHO WAS PHONE, why are girls so into me, why can't I grow wings, wings, working out, Yahoo Answers | Leave A Comment »
I wrote this, most likely on some kind of sugar high the day before it was due, for part of a writing “packet” I had to turn in as my final when I took a creative writing class. It’s loaded with marching band references most people won’t understand, and if some people with marching band experience read this, they might not find it terribly accurate.
The bus pulled into the Canon ISD Stadium at 8:00 am for the Canon Marching Band Festival, but Mr. Avery wasn’t letting us get off yet. Most kids were asleep. Megan and Adair were sitting behind Chase and me. They were both listening to Megan’s pink iPod and they kept kicking the back of our seat to the beat. I knew they were listening to “Party in the USA” because I could hear it. I wished they would quit it; my back was staring to hurt.
“Miley Cyrus sucks,” I said.
“Yeah,” agreed Chase, “but she’s kinda hot.”
I frowned. To me, Miley Cyrus looked like she was ten. “Gross.”
“Charlie, did you just say Miley Cyrus was gross?” Megan gasped, poked her little black-haired head up over our seat and yanked the headphones out of her ears.
“What about Miley?” Adair shouted over the music only she could hear.
“Miley Cyrus is a famous singer and actress. She even has her own clothing line. I’m pretty sure that makes her cooler than you two losers.” Megan stuck out her tongue at us through her purplish lips.
“Not for long!” Chase got excited. “Not when our band gets discovered!”
It wasn’t much of a band. It was Chase, our Mexican pal, Ricky Martinez (Ricky Martin when we felt like being mean), and some guy named Jed he met at the bowling alley who was like thirty years old. One day Chase told me I was the manager and since then I’d been going to his house every Sunday night for band practice. So during every practice, I ate my weight in Cheetos while sitting on Chase’s couch and watching the band, or “Attack of the Weasels,” play Guitar Hero, the real instruments lying in the background untouched. I’d stopped going recently, though, because Jed was starting to creep me out. I thought he’d been going to Chase’s house to hit on his mom, but it was starting to seem like he was more interested in Chase.
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September 19, 2010 | Categories: Bored, Humor, Music, Time, Uncategorized | Tags: 10-5, 2009, 6 feet, 8-5, Adair, arcs, Attack of the Weasels, Avery, backward, band, band aids, band director, Band-Aides, bass, bees, black, bleachers, bowling alley, breathing, bus, canon, cape, Charlie, Chase, clarinet, clean, clothing, cold, competition, contest, cool whip, crush, cute, dress code, drum, drum corps, drum major, fat, finals, flute, formation, forward, freshman, friendship, frumpy, gold, gray, green, Greenville, guiding, guitar, guitar hero, gum, hair, hairnets, helmet, help, high school, iPod, ISD, Jason, Jed, junior, kicking, kids, King Midas, lifting, lines, loading crew, love, mac n cheese, macaroni and cheese, manager, marching, marching band, Megan, Miley Cyrus, morning, Music, parents, plume, prelims, Ricky Martin, rock band, romance, saxophone, school, seat, senior, shenanigans, short, slides, sophomore, spray cheese, stadium, state, superhero, Susan, tall, teacher, teenage, teenagers, trombone, trophies, trumpet, uniforms, Walmart, white | Leave A Comment »
