The time has come to once again list my favorite search terms people have used to find my blog (read the first and second editions for context, if you’d like). Here they are, in all their screwed-up glory:
Rebecca Black Friday Flakes: I’m assuming this person was hoping to find Rebecca Black-inspired cereal and not dandruff. If cereal’s the case (please let it be the case), they’re in luck because I just invented some.
For the mom who wants her children to fail at life. Part of a mentally unbalanced breakfast.
On this note, if you’d like to test your endurance for Friday Flakes, click here and see if you can make it to the 10 minute mark like a winner (yes, that is a challenge). I only made it 10 seconds.
Chicken Penis: Before you get all judgmental, ask yourself, do you know what a chicken penis looks like? I don’t. Most people don’t, because the rooster penis is internal, which I definitely did not learn by Googling “chicken penis” a moment ago.
(more…)
Like this:
Like Loading...
August 16, 2012 | Categories: Humor, Internet, Uncategorized, WTF | Tags: a shoo in your hair, armpit, Asian, boob scarf, boobs, bra, cereal, Chicken, Christopher Gorham, creepy, dentures, fat man, fetish, Friday, Google, hair, homemade, Japanese, ken doll wig, man, nugget, overall shorts, penis, Rebecca Black, Rebecca Black Friday Flakes, redneck, search engine, search terms, sexy, slutty, some dude named gums, Swelling of Lifeless Mannequins Porn Com Videos, weird, WTF | 4 Comments »
Asian child, I will eat you. Don’t think I won’t do it.
I recently got a job at a fast food restaurant because I forgot why I went to college. The place where I work serves hot dogs, and not just any hot dogs. Delicious hot dogs (see: Figure 4). I’ve never been a huge hot dog fan (unless “hot dog” is a euphemism), but being around them constantly is making me crave them. Need them. (more…)
Like this:
Like Loading...
May 30, 2012 | Categories: Food, Humor, Internet, Uncategorized, WTF | Tags: Asian, boobs, child, creepy, crocs, delicious, eating, fast food, fat, hot dog, man, retard, scary, serial killer, sexy, weird, woman, woods | 2 Comments »
I turn 100 today, sort of. This is my one hundredth post. Numero uno cero cero. Cien. Hundra. Een honderd. 百. In my old age I’ve gained much wisdom about the internet and blogging. Mostly the internet, though, and truthfully, next to nothing about blogging… or the internet. I know nothing. But that’s never stopped me from pretending I know what I’m talking about.
(more…)
Like this:
Like Loading...
May 10, 2012 | Categories: Humor, Internet | Tags: 100, Belieber, Bieber, blogging, boobs, bullying, crocs, cult, gay, George Lucas, Google, kids, lesbian, list, McDonald's, North Korea, porn, post, PTA, search, Snuggie, Supernatural, tags, traffic, twitter | Leave A Comment »
It’s Christmas time, so it only makes sense that I should write about last Halloween. Here’s a step-by-step guide of how to turn yourself into that herpes-infested pumpkin lady we all love to loathe so much.
(more…)
Like this:
Like Loading...
December 1, 2011 | Categories: Beauty, Bored, Clothing, Holidays, Humor, Pop Culture, Uncategorized, WTF | Tags: animal, black, bling, boobs, bra, breasts, brown, bump, Christmas, clothes, costume, dogs, dress, dye, fake, fugly, glitter, guide, guidette, hair, Halloween, heels, herpes, high hemline, hoop earrings, Huge, jewelry, leopard, lipstick, liquid foundation, Loreal, low cut, make up, nails, necklace, Nicole, nut, outfit, party, platform pumps, Polizzi, poof, print, pumpkin, rings, shit my cake says, shoes, short, slut, slutty, snarf, Snooki, snookification, step by step, sunglasses, tan, transformation, Uggs, ugly, white girl, wig, zebra | 1 Comment »
…Seven Weird-Ass Costumes! A Baby Doll Limb Coat Rack, Frankenstein-esque Homemade Sex Doll, Nine Slasher Cupcakes, a Baby Doll Centipede, Creepy Easter Bunny and Human Body Part Candy Sushi!
Great boobs think alike.
(more…)
Like this:
Like Loading...
October 30, 2011 | Categories: Creepy, Halloween, Holidays, Humor, Uncategorized, WTF | Tags: 12 days of Christmas, birth, boobs, costumes, couples, eyeball, giant bra, Halloween, heartburn, labor, little girl, man, penis, penisman, Prilosec OTC, seven, toilet, tongue, weird | Leave A Comment »
There’s a new movie coming out that’s going to change your life more than any other movie you’ve ever seen ever in the entire world everywhere ever. It’s called Speak Jon Wilson and it’s amazing.
The only problem is that it’s not coming out for a while. Is that really a problem, though? No, no it is not. Why? Well, I’m glad you asked.
Webisodes.
Speak Jon Wilson is making a ton of “behind the scenes, before the movie” webisodes for your YouTube enjoyment. No need to leave the house or put down your cheese puffs, because you can watch them from the comfort of your chair, bed, table, floor, trashcan or bathtub. I don’t recommend holding a laptop while you’re in the tub, since there’s a slight chance you could, you know, die, but this is America and you have freedom of self-electrocution, so I won’t stop you. Regardless of where you’re watching these webisodes, just make sure you watch them. You can even send suggestions for what kind of stuff you want to see in them to TriumviratePicturesTX@gmail.com.
Don’t worry, these webisodes won’t be your typical behind-the-scenes bullshit, like, a voiceover from the director with a bunch of B-roll of scripts and set lights and production assistants passing out from exhaustion. I mean, there might be a couple of those types of videos, but a lot of what you’re going to see is gonna be badass. I’d go into more detail, but I don’t want to give anything away.
The webisodes aren’t going to start coming out until next week, but rest assured I’ll link to them when the time comes. For now, go to facebook.com/speakjonwilson and “like” the page. If you don’t, you know I’ll find you anyway, so just do it before things get all messy and borderline illegal. Gracias!
Like this:
Like Loading...
August 1, 2011 | Categories: Awkward, Bored, Comedy, Death, Humor, Internet, Movies, Pop Culture, Time, TV, Uncategorized, Wellness, WTF | Tags: action, America, B roll, badass, bathtub, boobs, camera, Dallas, DFW, electrocution, episodes, exhaustion, Facebook, film, going global, illegal, independent, indie, indie films, Justin Bieber, lights, like, links, movies, online, PA, PAs, production, production assistants, production company, Ryan Gosling, scripts, set, social media, Speak Jon Wilson, Sundance, synergy, Texas, trifilms, Triumvirate Pictures, TX, United States, USA, video, videos, voiceover, webisodes, YouTube | Leave A Comment »
A while ago, I made a list of a few bizarre search terms people used to find my blog. After seeing more weird words pop up over the last month or so, I selected my favorite search terms and categorized them by Misspellings, Monica Lewinsky, Questions, Creepy Fetishes, Whatever This Is, and Miscellaneous.
(more…)
Like this:
Like Loading...
February 4, 2011 | Categories: Awkward, Bored, Comedy, Creepy, Humor, Internet, Uncategorized, WTF | Tags: 2nd Edition, Albino sexual deviancy, Aliens, american beauty, amrican lemon, astronaut food, boobs, bucket of hot dogs, cake shit tube, Can I slowly bleed into my throat from a punch, Come On Eileen, Creepy Fetishes, Cyberstalking: Facebook Edition, Denny, Do teen boys wear overalls?, Do they turn poop into bacon in Japan, fetishes, Girl shits out of car, Greek, horrible shitting, Is the song power by Kanye West about LSD, Janitor masturbating Ohio 2011, Japan, Japan cake from shit, KFC, KFC lil’ bucket strawberry shortcake, kfc rasist, Kit Kat cola falvour Japanese buy, Kumon Math and Reading Center, marsupials, McDonald's Grimace porn, miscellaneous, Misspellings, Monica Lewinsky, Monica Lewinsky boobs, Monica Lewinsky masturbating .com, сверхъестественное фото, трогательные мать и дитя, porn, pretty snake kitty sweater, purple porn, Questions, rapper, road trip, satanic shit, Shaving market, shit my cake says, shitmycakesays, sniffing hair, So you’ve fallen and pooped, stalker tutoring, Strawberry Shortcake, Sylvan Learning Center, Talking to my mom is awkward, The girl with free hugs shit who is she, Volupouis girls, Walking Three Feet Behind All Stalkees at All Times, Whatever This Is, WTF, WTF Search Terms | Leave A Comment »
Since oh-so-many people seem to find my blog via classy variations on the search term “boobs”, I decided to pay homage to this one little word that has brought me so much porn-seeking traffic…
(more…)
Like this:
Like Loading...
January 26, 2011 | Categories: Awkward, Bored, Comedy, Creepy, Humor, Internet, Pop Culture, Uncategorized, WTF | Tags: animal smuggling, Anne Hathaway, Anne Hathaway boobs, Asian man in bra, back boobs, back fat, beer bottle boobs, Bill Clinton, boobs, breasts, Disney, disturbing, eye boobs, eye tattoo, giant boobs, infection, Kennedy, kitten boobs, kitten smuggling, man boobs, Marilyn Monroe, Mickey Mouse, Mickey Mouse boobs, Minnie Mouse, Monica Lewinsky, moobs, not sexy boobs, president, temporary tattoos, three boobs, Walt Disney, weird boobs, yoga | 7 Comments »
Look, while I don’t participate in the trend, I know many girls use Halloween as an excuse to look like a cheap hooker. I’m okay with costumes like “Officer Naughty” and “Voluptuous Vampiress”. What bothers me are slutty costumes based on innocent childhood characters. C’mon, people. Let’s make Halloween more about cheap chainsaw chills and less about child molestation.
Girl Scout Troop Leader: ‘Scuse me, but when did “girl” suddenly mean “fully-developed woman with giant cans”? Girl scouts don’t wear platform pumps and a garter. Guys, I understand the appeal of a tight-fitting little ditty gracing your gal, but let’s move away from having her dressed as a tiny child selling cookies.
(more…)
Like this:
Like Loading...
October 30, 2010 | Categories: Awkward, Bored, Clothing, Comedy, Creepy, Halloween, Horror, Humor, Pop Culture | Tags: blonde, boobs, cookies, costumes, girl scout, Halloween, officer naughty, outfits, party, platform pumps, pussy, Rainbow Brite, sexy, skank, slut, STD, Strawberry Shortcake, stripper, vampiress, whore, women | 1 Comment »
There was blood everywhere, and tears in her eyes.
God, that sounds like the chorus to a Hawthorne Heights song.
I didn’t mean to punch Shelby Waters in the face. I didn’t mean to break her nose. I didn’t even know I could break noses. I couldn’t even snap a pencil in two, which was pretty embarrassing when I tried in front of my sister, then the next day she told her whole second grade class.
Maybe I should back up.
I’ve been balls-to-the-wall in love with Shelby Waters for two years, ever since she transferred to my high school and lent me a pencil during sophomore year English. She smiled at me, and that was it. It was all over. I’ve never been able to look at another girl. I think I still have it. The pencil, I mean. It’s pink. Don’t tell her, though, ‘cause I don’t want her to think I’m a stalker. I’m not a stalker. I mean, I stare at her a lot, but I don’t wait outside her house in the rain dressed like the Unabomber.
(more…)
Like this:
Like Loading...
October 20, 2010 | Categories: Awkward, Bored, Comedy, Fiction, Health, High School, Humor, Love, Romance, Uncategorized | Tags: 12th grade, awkward, awkwardness, beauty, blonde, blood, boobs, boy, broken, Cavan, chapter 1, Christina Hendricks, dildos, douche, eighth grade, fight, gay, girl, GPA, guys, Hawthorne Heights, high school, hit, hospital, hot, I Punched a Girl, love story, Mannequin, marching band jacket, middle school, nose, nurse, part I, polo, punch, rain, Ralph Lauren, school, senior, sex, Shelby, shit my cake says, stalker, study buddy, The Situation, Todd, tutoring, Unibomber, Waters | 1 Comment »
Look out! There’s a mum bursting out of your chest! Haven’t you seen Alien?
Last Saturday was my brother’s high school homecoming, which made me a bit nostalgic, so I helped pick out things to put on his date’s mum… but I didn’t know what I had contributed to. The finished product was terrifyingly huge. Cute, but huge.
My brother’s date’s mum looked like it weighed more than she did. Since they’re juniors, it was a triple mum, because apparently nowadays it’s improper to give a single mum to anyone other than a freshman. That means every year, your mum cost goes up! Yay!
On top of lights, whistles, glitter, and teddy bears, this year, the hot new mum accessory was speakers. I’m being completely serious. There was a mum with an auxiliary input so people could plug in their iPods. What’s the point of that? You can’t play music during class, and I imagine wearing speakers around on your boobs would get pretty heavy. (more…)
Like this:
Like Loading...
September 20, 2010 | Categories: Beauty, Bored, Clothing, Comedy, Creepy, High School, Holidays, Humor, Pop Culture | Tags: bells, boobs, bra, breasts, fire, football, girls, glitter, granny boobs, high school, homecoming, lights, monster, mums, noise, noisemakers, party, ribbons, safety pins, speakers, teenagers, whistles | Leave A Comment »
…Unless you count DayQuil.
1. I sang to my boyfriend’s cat, Shadow. I sang him a ballad entitled “Shadow” to the tune of Frère Jacques. The lyrics consisted of “Shadow, Shadow, Shadoooooooow”.
2. I performed a questionably seductive* dance with a small bottle of apple juice in the middle of Kroger.
(more…)
Like this:
Like Loading...
August 28, 2010 | Categories: Bored, Comedy, Disease, Drugs, Heath, Humor, Illness, Medicine, Sickness, TV, Uncategorized, Wellness | Tags: ABC Family, ailment, apple juice, Avril Lavigne, bed, Ben and Jerry's, blanket, boobs, bored, boyfriend, bra, Campbell's, cat, cats, Chicken, children, common cold, concert, dance, Dating in the Dark, drugs, erotic dance, farts, felines, fever, flatulence, Frere Jaques, funny, get rich quick, health, homicide, ice cream, Joey Lawrence, kids, Kroger, life, medicine, Melissa and Joey, Melissa Joan Hart, Melissa Joan Heart, money, seductive, seventh grade, shadow, sick, sickness, sleep, soup, suicide, TV, wacky, wellness | Leave A Comment »
For the mom who wants her children to fail at life. Part of a mentally unbalanced breakfast.
Look out! There’s a mum bursting out of your chest! Haven’t you seen Alien?
