I know. This is something we’re not supposed to admit. I say “we” because you do it too.
Cyber stalking. Cyberstalking. Is it one word or two? I’m going with one from here on out because… um… regardless:
Cyberstalking: America’s pastime (like it was ever really baseball anyway).
I used to think the biggest consequence of cyberstalking was being thought of as weird or creepy, or, more rarely, having the person you’re cyberstalking catch you in the act and having them ask, “Why is my name in your Google search bar?” and you’re like, “Uhhhhh I was just testing my search engine to make sure it worked” and they’re like, “I don’t believe you” and you’re like, “Well you shouldn’t be looking at my computer screen anyway” and they’re like, “That’s my computer and this is my house and how the hell did you get in here?!”
Ahem. Anyway, since I openly admit I am both weird and creepy, the stigma of cyberstalking someone (usually someone I’m attracted to) rarely keeps me from doing it. Not anymore though. Never again.
Or maybe always again.
That probably doesn’t make sense to you. Allow me to explain: (more…)
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July 22, 2012 | Categories: Bored, Comedy, Death, Humor, Internet, Love, Uncategorized, WTF | Tags: attraction, boy, crazy, creep, creeper, creeping, creepy, cross dress, crush, cyber, cyberstalking, Facebook, funny, goth, guy, identity, insane, Lars von Trier, lesson, lie, life, online, peek, persona, personality, profile, scary, split, stalking, weird | 4 Comments »
So that was how Shelby and I ended up walking home together, taking the back roads from the school to my neighborhood. Turned out that she didn’t live very far from me, only a few blocks away. With all the things I knew about her, I couldn’t believe I didn’t know that. Her house’s distance from mine created so many opportunities to… no, no. I was not a stalker.
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May 6, 2011 | Categories: Awkward, Comedy, Fiction, High School, Humor, Love, Romance, Uncategorized, WTF | Tags: 1970, 1973, 1978, Best of Both Worlds, Cavan, Dodge Challenger, Hannah Montana, high school, humor, I Punched a Girl, Part X, pediatric surgeon, Pennsylvania, ringtone, shit my cake says, shitmycakesays, Thiel, Vanishing Point, X-rays | Leave A Comment »
Because I was the sexiest man alive, I managed to knock myself out twice in one day, and because I did this, I couldn’t drive. I had to wait for my mom to come pick me up while I watched everyone else in my class leave in their cars. Just call me Captain Lady-Killer. No… the ‘captain’ made me seem like a murderer instead of a sarcastic, self-deprecating dork.
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April 14, 2011 | Categories: Awkward, Bored, Comedy, Fiction, High School, Humor, Love, Pop Culture, Uncategorized | Tags: Andy, awkward, Best of Both Worlds, boots, car, Cavan, cell phones, dress, fiction, girls, Hannah Montana, high school, I Punched a Girl, kids, lace, Lissie, love, mom, Part IX, phones, romance, sex, Shelby, shit my cake says, shitmycakesays, short story, Skanz, students, walk, YouTube | 2 Comments »
This season of Parks and Recreation has brought us many adorable, sexy, and romantic character relationships. Andy and April, Ann and Chris, and lastly, the most obvious one…
…Tom and DJ Roomba.
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March 28, 2011 | Categories: Awkward, Bored, Comedy, Humor, Love, Pop Culture, TV, Uncategorized | Tags: Adam Scott, Amy Poehler, Andy and April, Ann and Chris, Ann Perkins, Aubrey Plaza, Aziz Ansari, Ben and Leslie, Ben Wyatt, Benslie, camping, Chris Pratt, DJ Roomba, fan, fan fiction, ice cream, Leslie Knope, love, NBC, Parks and Rec, Parks and Recreation, Rashida Jones, Rob Lowe, romance, shipping, sitcom, sky mall, tent, Tom and DJ Roomba, Tom Haverford, Toomba, TV | 1 Comment »
Shelby’s pre-cal class was about five feet from where we were standing, so the walk to her class was not a long one.
“Thanks for walking me all the way to my faraway class,” she said.
Loser, I thought to myself. What were you thinking? “Hey, Shelby, want me to walk you to your class that’s only a Verne Troyer and a half away from where we’re standing right now?”
“Look, what I was going to ask you earlier is if—”
“’Sup, Shelby,” Todd’s voice boomed, interrupting her. He put his meaty arm around her waist, and she immediately slinked away. He looked at me. “’Sup, Queer.”
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February 20, 2011 | Categories: Awkward, Bored, Comedy, Fiction, High School, Humor, Love, Pop Culture, Romance, Uncategorized, WTF | Tags: class, crush, dick, dildo, dildos, douche, fear, high school, I Punched a Girl, jocks, laugh, locker, locker penis, love, penis, pre-cal, romance, shit my cake says, shitmycakesays, Verne Troyer, vibrator | 1 Comment »
I gulped so intensely I knew she could hear it. Stupid Adam’s apple.
“Hhhheh,” I croaked. That was loser for “hi”.
“Hi, Cavan,” she said. “I—”
“Shelby! What happened to your nose?” Emilio asked.
“Cavan punched her,” Andy said, French fries dropping out of his mouth.
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February 16, 2011 | Categories: Awkward, Bored, Comedy, Fiction, High School, Humor, Love, Pop Culture, Romance, Uncategorized | Tags: Aliens, Andy Summers, awkward, best friends, Cavan, class, Dear Abby, embarrassment, Facebook, fear, gay, hair, high school, I Punched a Girl, I Punched a Girl: Part VII, jokes, Just Like Heaven, Loch Ness Monster, love story, reasons why I'm gay, romance, romantic comedy, Ryan Sheckler, Shelby Waters, shit my cake says, shitmycakesays, skateboarding, TV, YouTube | Leave A Comment »
After fourth period, I met up with Andy and we walked to lunch.
“Andy!” Christie screeched from down the hall. Andy cringed.
See, Christie was this annoying cheerleader who’d had a crush on Andy since, like, fourth grade. She was part of the Rice Kristies, a horrible pun and a group of three girls named “Kristie”—Christie, Kristie, and Criystee, the last of whom had parents who apparently never learned how to spell. All three members of the Rice Kristies (God, it pains me to even say those words) were cheerleaders, but Christie was the only brunette and, frankly, the only unattractive one. Kristie was dumb but hot, and Criystee defied her parents’ legacy by grasping the concept of phonetics. She was also cute and ranked number two in our class. Then there was Christie, who was both marginally ugly and painfully stupid, and boy did she love Andy.
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February 5, 2011 | Categories: Awkward, Bored, Comedy, Fiction, High School, Humor, Love, Romance, Uncategorized | Tags: Andy, blonde, broken nose, brunette, Cavan, cheerleaders, chicken spaghetti, chocolate milk, Emilio, fiction, fourth period, french fries, high school, Hispanic, I Punched a Girl, Latino, love, lunch, pun, punch, Rice Kristies, romance, school cafeteria, Shelby Waters, shit my cake says, shitmycakesays, spelling, talking with mouth full | Leave A Comment »
“Bye, Sweetie!” my mom cried over my sister’s Miley Cyrus music as I stepped out of her car. Then she drove away to drop my sister off at her school.
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February 3, 2011 | Categories: Awkward, Comedy, Fiction, High School, Humor, Love, Romance, Wellness, WTF | Tags: Aliens, Andy, bandage, boy, broken nose, Cavan, girl, high school, High School Musical 3, hit, I Punched a Girl, little sister, lockers, Miley Cyrus, mom, Music, punch, puppy love, romance, Scientology, sex, Shelby Waters, Todd, Tom Cruise | Leave A Comment »
“How does someone even get knocked out twice in one day?” I heard Andy ask. Everything was black. I couldn’t see.
“I can’t see!” I wailed.
“Open your eyes, dumbass,” Andy said.
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January 10, 2011 | Categories: Awkward, Bored, Comedy, Fiction, High School, Humor, Love, Romance, Uncategorized | Tags: Andy, bed, broken nose, Cavan, concussion, dinner, doctor, embarrassment, family, fiction, friend, health, high school, hospital, I Punched a Girl, janitor, knock out, mom, mommy, relationship, romance, Shelby Waters, shit my cake says, sleep, surgery | Leave A Comment »
This is the part where I got a concussion. If Shelby didn’t think I was a total freak already, this definitely sealed the deal.
“Sir?”
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January 4, 2011 | Categories: Awkward, Bored, Comedy, Fiction, Health, High School, Humor, Love, Romance, Uncategorized, WTF | Tags: Andy, barf, blood, bloody, boy, broken nose, Cavan, comedy, concussion, ear, face, girl, high school, Hispanic, hospital, I Punched a Girl, janitor, lobby, love, puke, punch, ringing, romance, Shelby Waters, shit my cake says, vomit | Leave A Comment »
After a car ride engulfed in awkwardness, we pulled into St. Bartholomew’s Hospital of Beaver Falls, PA.
When Shelby had asked if we could listen to some music, I’d attempted the whole cliché as-she-reaches-for-the-radio-my-hand-will-brush-hers thing. Unfortunately, when we both reached for the radio, I stopped paying attention to the road and swerved into oncoming traffic.
Blasting car horns on all sides sounded as a sky blue Mercedes barely missed us. My tires screeched as I swerved us back into the right lane. Shelby looked like a scared rabbit, wide eyes and flared nostrils. When I caught my reflection in the rearview mirror, I looked like an even more scared rabbit.
“Whoops,” I said, trying to play if off like it was nothing, but I felt like she could hear me sweating.
She shot me a terrified glance, then turned on the radio.
“Trying to be my best, when I fall, it’s a mess!” screeched through my shoddy speakers.
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December 3, 2010 | Categories: Awkward, Bored, Comedy, Fiction, High School, Humor, Love, Pop Culture, Romance | Tags: awkward, bloody nose, car crash, Cavan, concussion, fiction, Hannah Montana, high school, hospital, I Punched a Girl, janitor, love, Miley Cyrus, part 2, pop star, puke, radio, romance, Shelby Waters, shit my cake says, short story, vomit, zombie | Leave A Comment »
The Sexy Supernatural Boys: Jared Padalecki, who plays Sam Winchester, and Jensen Ackles, who plays Dean Winchester
Let’s be honest. Supernatural has jumped the shark.
Once upon a time, it was an awesome show. Even now, it has a few worthwhile episodes mixed in with the turdy ones. Like, a few actual Godiva truffles mixed in with those Godiva “gems” you can buy at CVS that are pretty sucky and disappointing. But do you really want to suffer through all that crappy chocolate, those assaults on your taste buds, before getting to the deliciousness? Does anyone relate to this reference, or even understand it? No? Well, that’s okay. My point is this: no. No, you do not want to suffer through crap just for the chance you’ll see something good.
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November 17, 2010 | Categories: Awkward, Bored, Comedy, Creepy, Fiction, Humor, Love, Pop Culture, TV, Uncategorized | Tags: abs, ADD, angels, attention span, Battle of the Bods, brothers, chocolate, Christmas, Christmas songs, cute, CVS, Dean, Dean Winchester, demons, episodes, erotic, finale, game, gay, gay sex, ghosts, ghouls, Godiva, handsome, Hollywood, homoerotic, hot, hot brothers, hot guys, incest, Jared Padalecki, Jared Padalecki and Jensen Ackles kissing, Jensen Ackles, jump the shark, kiss, make out, Music, mute, ripped, Sam, Sam and Dean, Sam and Dean Winchester, Sam Winchester, season, sexy, sexy men, shirtless, shirtless man, shirtless men, shirtless wet guy, shower, Silent Night, six pack, suffer, Supernatural, television, the colt, truffles, TV, wet, Wicked Little Things | 2 Comments »
I woke up in a cold sweat with bloodshot eyes. My mouth felt dry, but I couldn’t get up to get a drink. I’d also been using so much in the past 24 hours that I’d forgotten where my fridge was.
But I didn’t care about any of that. I had to have more.
More Korean soap operas.
It all started when, for whatever unknown reason, Hulu recommended that I watch Personal Taste.
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November 1, 2010 | Categories: Bored, Comedy, Humor, Love, Pop Culture, TV, Uncategorized | Tags: 16, 25, addiction, Boys Before Flowers, Boys Over Flowers, Chang Ruhyl, Chu Ga Eul, crack, cry, DAAM, Design and Arts Arcadia of Myungseung, disappointment, dramas, drugs, emotional, entertainment, Gaeinui Chwihyang, Geum Jan Di, Goo Hye Sun, Gu Jun Pyo, happy, Hulu, Jan Di, Jeon Jin Ho, K drama, Kim Bum, Kim Hyun Joong, Kim In Hee, Kim Joon, Kim So Eun, Korean, Lee Min Ho, love, MBC, Mischievous Kiss, Naughty Kiss, Park Gae In, Personal Preference, Personal Taste, Playful Kiss, romance, Seoul, sleep together, soap opera, Son Ye Jin, South Korea, tearjerker, tears, Wang Ji Hye, weather forecast. game over, Yoon Ji Hoo | 2 Comments »
There was blood everywhere, and tears in her eyes.
God, that sounds like the chorus to a Hawthorne Heights song.
I didn’t mean to punch Shelby Waters in the face. I didn’t mean to break her nose. I didn’t even know I could break noses. I couldn’t even snap a pencil in two, which was pretty embarrassing when I tried in front of my sister, then the next day she told her whole second grade class.
Maybe I should back up.
I’ve been balls-to-the-wall in love with Shelby Waters for two years, ever since she transferred to my high school and lent me a pencil during sophomore year English. She smiled at me, and that was it. It was all over. I’ve never been able to look at another girl. I think I still have it. The pencil, I mean. It’s pink. Don’t tell her, though, ‘cause I don’t want her to think I’m a stalker. I’m not a stalker. I mean, I stare at her a lot, but I don’t wait outside her house in the rain dressed like the Unabomber.
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October 20, 2010 | Categories: Awkward, Bored, Comedy, Fiction, Health, High School, Humor, Love, Romance, Uncategorized | Tags: 12th grade, awkward, awkwardness, beauty, blonde, blood, boobs, boy, broken, Cavan, chapter 1, Christina Hendricks, dildos, douche, eighth grade, fight, gay, girl, GPA, guys, Hawthorne Heights, high school, hit, hospital, hot, I Punched a Girl, love story, Mannequin, marching band jacket, middle school, nose, nurse, part I, polo, punch, rain, Ralph Lauren, school, senior, sex, Shelby, shit my cake says, stalker, study buddy, The Situation, Todd, tutoring, Unibomber, Waters | 1 Comment »
The Sexy Supernatural Boys: Jared Padalecki, who plays Sam Winchester, and Jensen Ackles, who plays Dean Winchester
