Oh my spiders, you guys. IT’S OCTOBER 1ST. You know what that means…
… Halloween candy! YAAAAAAAAAY!
Fact: Halloween is the best day of all the days. Candy is the best food of all the diabetes-causing foods. Central Market is the best store of all the grocery stores in Texas. Therefore it stands to reason that Halloween candy from Central Market is the best of all the everything.
It is my great pleasure to review Central Market’s seasonal candy collection, which is what I’m about to do, in case you hadn’t figured that out.
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October 1, 2012 | Categories: Food, Halloween, Holidays, Humor, Uncategorized, WTF | Tags: boo, brains, candy, candy corn, caramel apple, cat, Central Market, chocolate, chocolate covered candy corn, fancy candy, ghost, gumball, gummy brains, gummy teeth, Halloween, jujube, jujubes, kyary pamyu pamyu, list, malt balls, pumpkin, review, spice, strange candy, tangerine candy corn, unique, unusual, vampire teeth, weirdest Halloween candy | 3 Comments »
It’s Christmas time, so it only makes sense that I should write about last Halloween. Here’s a step-by-step guide of how to turn yourself into that herpes-infested pumpkin lady we all love to loathe so much.
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December 1, 2011 | Categories: Beauty, Bored, Clothing, Holidays, Humor, Pop Culture, Uncategorized, WTF | Tags: animal, black, bling, boobs, bra, breasts, brown, bump, Christmas, clothes, costume, dogs, dress, dye, fake, fugly, glitter, guide, guidette, hair, Halloween, heels, herpes, high hemline, hoop earrings, Huge, jewelry, leopard, lipstick, liquid foundation, Loreal, low cut, make up, nails, necklace, Nicole, nut, outfit, party, platform pumps, Polizzi, poof, print, pumpkin, rings, shit my cake says, shoes, short, slut, slutty, snarf, Snooki, snookification, step by step, sunglasses, tan, transformation, Uggs, ugly, white girl, wig, zebra | 1 Comment »
…One Slutty Pumpkin!
…Seven Weird-Ass Costumes, a Baby Doll Limb Coat Rack, Frankenstein-esque Homemade Sex Doll, Nine Slasher Cupcakes, a Baby Doll Centipede, Creepy Easter Bunny, and Human Body Part Candy Sushi!
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November 1, 2011 | Categories: Creepy, Halloween, Holidays, Humor, Uncategorized | Tags: costume, Halloween, happy, pumpkin, slutty | Leave A Comment »
…Seven Weird-Ass Costumes! A Baby Doll Limb Coat Rack, Frankenstein-esque Homemade Sex Doll, Nine Slasher Cupcakes, a Baby Doll Centipede, Creepy Easter Bunny and Human Body Part Candy Sushi!
Great boobs think alike.
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October 30, 2011 | Categories: Creepy, Halloween, Holidays, Humor, Uncategorized, WTF | Tags: 12 days of Christmas, birth, boobs, costumes, couples, eyeball, giant bra, Halloween, heartburn, labor, little girl, man, penis, penisman, Prilosec OTC, seven, toilet, tongue, weird | Leave A Comment »
…a Baby Doll Limb Coat Rack! A Frankenstein-esque Homemade Sex Doll, Nine Slasher Cupcakes, a Baby Doll Centipede, Creepy Easter Bunny, and Human Body Part Candy Sushi.
The only way this could be improved is if you could automate the hands so they grab you when you hang your coat.
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October 29, 2011 | Categories: Creepy, Halloween, Holidays, Humor, Uncategorized | Tags: 12 days of Christmas, baby doll, coat rack, limbs | Leave A Comment »
…a Frankenstein-esque Homemade Sex Doll! Nine Slasher Cupcakes, a Baby Doll Centipede, Creepy Easter Bunny, and Human Body Part Candy Sushi.
May meets “To Catch a Predator”, in the worst way possible.
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October 28, 2011 | Categories: Creepy, Halloween, Holidays, Horror, Humor, Uncategorized | Tags: 12 days of Christmas, creepy, Halloween, homemade, horror, May, movie, sex doll, to catch a predator | Leave A Comment »
…Nine Slasher Cupcakes! A Baby Doll Centipede, Creepy Easter Bunny, and Human Body Part Candy Sushi.
Finally, a reason to justify cannibalism.
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October 27, 2011 | Categories: Creepy, Halloween, Holidays, Humor, Uncategorized | Tags: blood, cupcakes, flesh, Halloween, horror, knife, slasher | Leave A Comment »
…a Baby Doll Centipede! A Creepy Easter Bunny and Human Body Part Candy Sushi.
This one’s my favorite, but there are other versions, too:
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October 26, 2011 | Categories: Creepy, Holidays, Horror, Humor | Tags: 12 days of Christmas, baby doll, centipede, creepy, Halloween | Leave A Comment »
…a Creepy Easter Bunny! And Human Body Part Candy Sushi.
He’s here to claim your eggs.
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October 25, 2011 | Categories: Creepy, Holidays, Humor, Uncategorized | Tags: creepy, easter bunny, eggs, Halloween, scary | Leave A Comment »
Christmas has 12 days. Halloween has only one. That doesn’t seem fair, does it? It definitely doesn’t, which is why I’m counting down to Halloween starting today.
On the first day of Halloween, my true love gave to me…
Human Body Part Candy Sushi!
Ew, I don’t want the nose one. Who wants to taste boogers in their cannibalism?
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October 24, 2011 | Categories: Holidays, Horror, Uncategorized | Tags: body parts, boogers, candy, cannibalism, gross, Halloween, sushi | Leave A Comment »
Today, as you fire up the grill and pop open that thirteenth beer, you may feel like reflecting on American history and saying a little prayer of thanks to the founding fathers. Don’t. The Fourth of July isn’t the holiday you think it is. I’m here to tell you the top secret history behind the Fourth that the government doesn’t want you to know.
As you may know, Benjamin Franklin was a man with syphilis who lived in America and sometimes ate dog treats. His face is on the $100 bill and he was well known for attempting to steal kites from children. But here’s something you didn’t know about Benjamin Franklin: he’s out to steal the Declaration of Independence.
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July 4, 2011 | Categories: Awkward, Bored, Comedy, Fiction, Holidays, Humor, Movies, Uncategorized, WTF | Tags: 1776, 2012, 4th of July, America, beer, Benjamin Franklin, butt, December 21, Declaration of Independence, fireworks, fireworks in butt, founding fathers, Fourth of July, government, grill, heist, history, holiday, Independence Day, John Connor, July 4, lesson, Mayan calendar, National Security, National Treasure, Nicholas Cage, racist, robbery, Sarah Connor, shit my cake says, steal, stealing, Terminator, time travel, United States of America, USA, WTF, YouTube | Leave A Comment »
This year, I cannot celebrate Valentine’s Day and must instead celebrate Singles Awareness Day. You see, I recently got dumped. It was for the best, though, because my ex was practically verbally abusive. He’d say unnecessarily hurtful things, like, “I don’t think you should carry that gun on school property” and “I find it somewhat strange that you’ll only sleep on mattresses stuffed with human hair” and “I think your collection of disembodied doll heads is a little creepy”. I mean, dragging my doll heads into his personal problems? What a freak.
Anyway, because I’m single now, I’ve made a list of fun things single people can do on Singles Awareness Day (SAD):
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February 13, 2011 | Categories: Awkward, Bored, Comedy, Holidays, Humor, Internet, Pop Culture, Uncategorized, WTF | Tags: $13000 watch, amusement, army, bf, bikini, Blockbuster, book, break up, Breaking the Waves, butts, canoe, canoeing, canoeing in cold weather, casual sex, cats, celebrate, celebration, church, cold weather, comedy, condom, couples, crazy, Dancer in the Dark, dancing, dating, death in seven days, depressing movies, doll collection, doll head collection, ex, ex-boyfriend, ex-girlfriend, expensive clothes, Facebook, Facebook profile, family friendly, Feb 14, February 14, feces, four wheelers, freak, friends, fun, fun things to do, funny, garden gnomes, getting dumped, getting laid on Valentine's Day, gf, gnomes, Go Taco Bell Surfing, gun, hairy, Have a Romantic Comedy Movie Marathon, Hit Up a Nightclub, Home Depot, homemade, horny, Hotel Rwanda, locker room, mall, mashed potatoes, mate, mattresses with human hair, meat filler, men, Million Dollar Baby, mom, neighborhood, night club, nonmeat, overweight, paint, paint the town red, paint trees, parking lot, personal problems, pigeon poop, pigeons, pool, poor people, potatoes, preschooler, public swimming pool, rat poison, Read a Where’s Waldo Book While Steering a Canoe in a Public Swimming Pool, red paint, romance, romantic comedies, romantic movies, Run Over Potatoes with a Four-Wheeler in a Church Parking Lot, SAD, school, Send Your Ex Supportive Facebook Messages, Seven Pounds, single, Singles Awareness Day, small children, social, socialize, Sophie’s Choice, speeding, strangers, stray cats, surfing, swim, swimming, Taco Bell, tacos, teens, Thanksgiving, The Fly, Tie Garden Gnomes on Local Stray Cats’ Backs, towel, town, Valentine's Day, Walk Alone in a Bad Neighborhood, walking along at night, walking through a bad neighborhood, watch you sleep, wet, wet towel, Where's Waldo, Whip Prospective Mates’ Butts with a Wet Towel, X games | Leave A Comment »
It’s my birthday. I’m 21 years old today. Therefore, I expect 21 birthday cakes on my doorstep by the end of the day, or else I’ll burn down Australia. You’ve been warned.
Here are some examples of acceptable cakes:
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January 11, 2011 | Categories: Awkward, Bored, Comedy, Cooking, Creepy, Food, Holidays, Humor, Internet, Pop Culture, Uncategorized, WTF | Tags: 21, 21 birthday, 21st birthday, 9, abortion, baby, baby doll, birthday, brown, bugs, cake, cakes, candy, chain smoking, children's birthday party, chocolate, congratulations, cream, dead, disgusting, Eunice, excrement, flies, frosting, frosting poo, grandma, ground, Happy Birthday, happy birthday cock sucker mother fucker, happy birthday to the ground, Harry Potter, Harry Potter sex change, heard, herd, hideous, insects, Japanese, maggots. dead pirate, misspelling, my, Nazi, oops, oven, Pedobear, Pedobear cake, pee, pink, plate, poo, poop, poop cake, sex change, shit, shit my cake says, SNL, strawberries, sugar, teen pregnancy, The Human Centipede, The Lonely Island, Threw it on the ground, toilet, turning 21, ugly cake, urine, vanilla, worm, WTF | 3 Comments »
It’s Christmas Eve! You know what that means. Last-minute shopping! Many of you have yet to find that perfect gift for everyone on your list, but you’re in luck! There’s one universally loved gift that suits everyone: the cat sweater!
I’ve made a list of a few beautiful cat sweaters that everyone can appreciate. Your gift will touch the recipient so much, he or she might cry!
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December 24, 2010 | Categories: Awkward, Holidays, Humor, Uncategorized, WTF | Tags: cat sweaters, cats, children, Christmas, friends, fur, grandma, Holidays, relatives, sextuplets, shit my cake says, siamese, sweaters, WTF | 2 Comments »
Black Friday was a couple of weeks ago, but that doesn’t mean America isn’t still in a fight-to-the-death mindset when it comes to holiday shopping. It’s dangerous out there, and unless you’re equipped with a thousand tranquilizer darts and copies of O Magazine to take on the housewives, your life could be in danger. It seems grim, but there’s good news. I’ve compiled a list of gadgets and gobbledygook for everyone on your Christmas list that you can order online, so you don’t have to risk your life in the midst of holiday shopper crowds.
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December 6, 2010 | Categories: Awkward, Bored, Food, Holidays, Humor, Oprah, Pop Culture, Uncategorized, WTF | Tags: 1865, 700, adventure, annoying, aunt, baby shaving, bitch, blades, bookworm, boring, cats, Christmas, Christmas list, cranky, crotchety, emo, emo kid, family, fat, fly, gifts, Gillette, Going Rogue: An American Life, grizzly bear chair, Holidays, hunting, husband, irritating, knit, lackluster, leiderhosen, Life Alert, love, man, men, Michel Lichtenstein, modern art, morbidly obese, mother in law, Museum of Unnatural History, obligated, obligation, old lady, personality, pillow, presents, pumpkin, razor, redneck, relative, safari, safari hat, Sarah Palin, scholar, shopping, slut, son, soup, soup bowl, statue, sweater, Teeth, travel, turkey hat, Ultimate Man Razor, uncle, unicorn tears, vacation, vagina dentada, weird, whore, wrinkle cream, XXL | Leave A Comment »
With the slew of horrendous summer movies finally coming to a close, we can all breathe easier and willingly walk into movie theaters again. But do you even need to go to the theater to get action-packed, thrilling, romantic, glorious cinematic content? No ma’amsir, you do not. Go to Blockbuster and rent everything on my newest list: movies that are often overlooked despite their poignant and outstanding cinematic content:
1. White Chicks: Two down-and-out FBI CSI CIA NYPD black men have to protect two young, spoiled, blonde white women. After inevitably getting into a steamy affair with the girls, the men ponder life, love, and discover religion. Through their physical intimacy, they lead the girls on an emotional journey and teach them how to appreciate the little things in life, like sex. Since one of the men is married, and has discovered religion (what religion? All the religions!) since consummating his affair, he feels deeply guilty for betraying his wife and begins a long trek home, disguised as the white woman he plowed. This is obviously because he feels the need to literally show the world what he’s done, and the easiest way to do that is by cross-dressing and cross-ethnicitying. His fellow law enforcement black friend joins him on his journey, also disguised as the woman he slept with, to repent with him for betraying his own wife, who doesn’t exist, since he’s not married. This movie is a journey of journeys, about journey, with the entire soundtrack consisting of Journey.
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September 21, 2010 | Categories: Bored, Comedy, High School, Holidays, Humor, Movies, Pop Culture, TV, Uncategorized | Tags: 3D, abuse, acting, Alicia Silverstone, Alps, awful, bad movies, Beauty Shop, black, Blockbuster, box office, bullshit, cancer, CIA, cinema, Climb Ev'ry Mountain, concert, CSI, death, Diane Keaton, Disney, docudrama, documentary, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, drama, Eddie Murphy, ethnicity, FBI, fear, film, hairstylist, Heather Locklear, Hilary Duff, Jeffrey Lyons, Joe Jonas, Jonas, Journey, Katie Homes, Keenan Ivory Wayans, kill, Kristin Bell, Last Holiday, love, Mad Money, Marlon Wayans, marriage, melodrama, movie, movie theater, movies, Music, NC17, Nick Jonas, Norbit, NYPD, Pulse, Queen Latifah, race, racism, religion, Roger Ebert, rotten tomatoes, safe, sex, sexual content, Shawn Wayans, summer, Switzerland, The Jonas Brothers, The Jonas Brothers Movie, The Perfect Man, The Sound of Music, The Wayans brothers, torture, trek, underrated movies, Vanilla Ice, video, white, White Chicks, wikipedia, worst, worst movies ever | 1 Comment »
Look out! There’s a mum bursting out of your chest! Haven’t you seen Alien?
Last Saturday was my brother’s high school homecoming, which made me a bit nostalgic, so I helped pick out things to put on his date’s mum… but I didn’t know what I had contributed to. The finished product was terrifyingly huge. Cute, but huge.
My brother’s date’s mum looked like it weighed more than she did. Since they’re juniors, it was a triple mum, because apparently nowadays it’s improper to give a single mum to anyone other than a freshman. That means every year, your mum cost goes up! Yay!
On top of lights, whistles, glitter, and teddy bears, this year, the hot new mum accessory was speakers. I’m being completely serious. There was a mum with an auxiliary input so people could plug in their iPods. What’s the point of that? You can’t play music during class, and I imagine wearing speakers around on your boobs would get pretty heavy. (more…)
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September 20, 2010 | Categories: Beauty, Bored, Clothing, Comedy, Creepy, High School, Holidays, Humor, Pop Culture | Tags: bells, boobs, bra, breasts, fire, football, girls, glitter, granny boobs, high school, homecoming, lights, monster, mums, noise, noisemakers, party, ribbons, safety pins, speakers, teenagers, whistles | Leave A Comment »
As we all know, or rather, as all we surface-dwellers know (no offense, Underground Sewage Society, but you’re pretty disgusting), today is Friday the 13th. In honor of my favorite holiday—because as far as I’m concerned, it is a motherf*cking holiday, motherf*ckers—I am going to discuss the most terrifying thing threatening our planet right now: the last season of Oprah.
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August 13, 2010 | Categories: Holidays, Movies, Oprah, Pop Culture, TV, Uncategorized | Tags: brainwashing, fat, fear, Friday the 13th, horror, housewives, Jason, machete, murder, Oprah, Oprah Winfrey, serial killer, slaughter, society, superstition, sweage, terror, USSR | Leave A Comment »
Look out! There’s a mum bursting out of your chest! Haven’t you seen Alien?
As we all know, or rather, as all we surface-dwellers know (no offense, Underground Sewage Society, but you’re pretty disgusting), today is Friday the 13th. In honor of my favorite holiday—because as far as I’m concerned, it is a motherf*cking holiday, motherf*ckers—I am going to discuss the most terrifying thing threatening our planet right now: the last season of Oprah.
