Oh my spiders, you guys. IT’S OCTOBER 1ST. You know what that means…
… Halloween candy! YAAAAAAAAAY!
Fact: Halloween is the best day of all the days. Candy is the best food of all the diabetes-causing foods. Central Market is the best store of all the grocery stores in Texas. Therefore it stands to reason that Halloween candy from Central Market is the best of all the everything.
It is my great pleasure to review Central Market’s seasonal candy collection, which is what I’m about to do, in case you hadn’t figured that out.
It’s Christmas time, so it only makes sense that I should write about last Halloween. Here’s a step-by-step guide of how to turn yourself into that herpes-infested pumpkin lady we all love to loathe so much.
…One Slutty Pumpkin!
…Seven Weird-Ass Costumes, a Baby Doll Limb Coat Rack, Frankenstein-esque Homemade Sex Doll, Nine Slasher Cupcakes, a Baby Doll Centipede, Creepy Easter Bunny, and Human Body Part Candy Sushi!
…Seven Weird-Ass Costumes! A Baby Doll Limb Coat Rack, Frankenstein-esque Homemade Sex Doll, Nine Slasher Cupcakes, a Baby Doll Centipede, Creepy Easter Bunny and Human Body Part Candy Sushi!
Great boobs think alike.
…a Baby Doll Limb Coat Rack! A Frankenstein-esque Homemade Sex Doll, Nine Slasher Cupcakes, a Baby Doll Centipede, Creepy Easter Bunny, and Human Body Part Candy Sushi.
The only way this could be improved is if you could automate the hands so they grab you when you hang your coat.
…a Frankenstein-esque Homemade Sex Doll! Nine Slasher Cupcakes, a Baby Doll Centipede, Creepy Easter Bunny, and Human Body Part Candy Sushi.
May meets “To Catch a Predator”, in the worst way possible.
…Nine Slasher Cupcakes! A Baby Doll Centipede, Creepy Easter Bunny, and Human Body Part Candy Sushi.
Finally, a reason to justify cannibalism.
…a Baby Doll Centipede! A Creepy Easter Bunny and Human Body Part Candy Sushi.
This one’s my favorite, but there are other versions, too:
…a Creepy Easter Bunny! And Human Body Part Candy Sushi.
He’s here to claim your eggs.
Christmas has 12 days. Halloween has only one. That doesn’t seem fair, does it? It definitely doesn’t, which is why I’m counting down to Halloween starting today.
On the first day of Halloween, my true love gave to me…
Human Body Part Candy Sushi!
Ew, I don’t want the nose one. Who wants to taste boogers in their cannibalism?
Today, as you fire up the grill and pop open that thirteenth beer, you may feel like reflecting on American history and saying a little prayer of thanks to the founding fathers. Don’t. The Fourth of July isn’t the holiday you think it is. I’m here to tell you the top secret history behind the Fourth that the government doesn’t want you to know.
As you may know, Benjamin Franklin was a man with syphilis who lived in America and sometimes ate dog treats. His face is on the $100 bill and he was well known for attempting to steal kites from children. But here’s something you didn’t know about Benjamin Franklin: he’s out to steal the Declaration of Independence.
It’s my birthday. I’m 21 years old today. Therefore, I expect 21 birthday cakes on my doorstep by the end of the day, or else I’ll burn down Australia. You’ve been warned.
Here are some examples of acceptable cakes:
It’s Christmas Eve! You know what that means. Last-minute shopping! Many of you have yet to find that perfect gift for everyone on your list, but you’re in luck! There’s one universally loved gift that suits everyone: the cat sweater!
I’ve made a list of a few beautiful cat sweaters that everyone can appreciate. Your gift will touch the recipient so much, he or she might cry!
With the slew of horrendous summer movies finally coming to a close, we can all breathe easier and willingly walk into movie theaters again. But do you even need to go to the theater to get action-packed, thrilling, romantic, glorious cinematic content? No ma’amsir, you do not. Go to Blockbuster and rent everything on my newest list: movies that are often overlooked despite their poignant and outstanding cinematic content:
1. White Chicks: Two down-and-out FBI CSI CIA NYPD black men have to protect two young, spoiled, blonde white women. After inevitably getting into a steamy affair with the girls, the men ponder life, love, and discover religion. Through their physical intimacy, they lead the girls on an emotional journey and teach them how to appreciate the little things in life, like sex. Since one of the men is married, and has discovered religion (what religion? All the religions!) since consummating his affair, he feels deeply guilty for betraying his wife and begins a long trek home, disguised as the white woman he plowed. This is obviously because he feels the need to literally show the world what he’s done, and the easiest way to do that is by cross-dressing and cross-ethnicitying. His fellow law enforcement black friend joins him on his journey, also disguised as the woman he slept with, to repent with him for betraying his own wife, who doesn’t exist, since he’s not married. This movie is a journey of journeys, about journey, with the entire soundtrack consisting of Journey.
Last Saturday was my brother’s high school homecoming, which made me a bit nostalgic, so I helped pick out things to put on his date’s mum… but I didn’t know what I had contributed to. The finished product was terrifyingly huge. Cute, but huge.
My brother’s date’s mum looked like it weighed more than she did. Since they’re juniors, it was a triple mum, because apparently nowadays it’s improper to give a single mum to anyone other than a freshman. That means every year, your mum cost goes up! Yay!
On top of lights, whistles, glitter, and teddy bears, this year, the hot new mum accessory was speakers. I’m being completely serious. There was a mum with an auxiliary input so people could plug in their iPods. What’s the point of that? You can’t play music during class, and I imagine wearing speakers around on your boobs would get pretty heavy. (more…)
As we all know, or rather, as all we surface-dwellers know (no offense, Underground Sewage Society, but you’re pretty disgusting), today is Friday the 13th. In honor of my favorite holiday—because as far as I’m concerned, it is a motherf*cking holiday, motherf*ckers—I am going to discuss the most terrifying thing threatening our planet right now: the last season of Oprah.