If you missed out on this show, be sad.
Not as sad as if you missed out on their show at Trees almost 3 years ago, when they gave a seriously unbeatable performance, but be sad.
It is my personal, factual, undisputed, universally-accepted-as-truth belief that BRMC is incapable of giving a bad performance. The night of April 27th was no exception.
“OMFG AGAIN R U SERIOUS Y R U DOING THIS 2 ME” is what you’re probably thinking, if you’re a grammatically challenged 13-year-old girl. Yes, folks, I’m sorry to say it’s time for yet another shameless plug. I left out something important in my last post: I made two videos for Ishi, not one. As luck would have it, two is actually more than one in quantity (who knew?), so I’m spamming two blog posts instead of just one. Do me a favor and watch this video too (in HD, of course). If you do, I’ll hunt you down, wait outside your house dressed in all black, ring your doorbell and… give you a relaxing foot massage! What can I say, you scratch my back, I scratch your feet. Potato tomato. You can always hit that “like” button too… I heard if you click it, somewhere in the world, your enemies get shot in their faces. Think about it.
State Fair mascot Big Tex died a mere 3 days ago. The beloved, terrifying giant cowboy is being mourned by Texans all over the world (or maybe just in Texas, ’cause they’re Texans).
The problem with mourning Big Tex is the obviousness that he’s a sex criminal (as evidenced by his face) using his celebrity to endorse Dickie’s, the makers of the worst clothes ever with the worst name ever. Don’t get me wrong, I’ll miss him, but I don’t think we should be sweeping his creepiness under the rug like we did when MJ died. We can’t fit him under a rug anyway.
Oh my spiders, you guys. IT’S OCTOBER 1ST. You know what that means…
… Halloween candy! YAAAAAAAAAY!
Fact: Halloween is the best day of all the days. Candy is the best food of all the diabetes-causing foods. Central Market is the best store of all the grocery stores in Texas. Therefore it stands to reason that Halloween candy from Central Market is the best of all the everything.
It is my great pleasure to review Central Market’s seasonal candy collection, which is what I’m about to do, in case you hadn’t figured that out.
In keeping with my current trend of posting videos long after it’s relevant to post them, here’s another video.
A few weeks ago was Fashion’s Night Out. If you don’t know what that is, you’re lame. Sorry, but it’s true. Don’t feel too bad, though, because this year I was lame, too. I only went to the Northpark Mall for FNO festivities and missed out on some pretty cool stuff. Wah wah wah. There’s always next year. Anyway, while I was there I took some video clips, all of which I later realized were super awful and shaky. Like, in-a-paddle-boat-in-the-middle-of-the-ocean-during-a-storm-and-also-there-are-dogs-trying-to-bite-you shaky. Free Neiman Marcus champagne + my already shaky hands = terrible cameraperson. Anyway, I salvaged what I could, and this video features some new Ted Baker looks, so if you’re like me and scream, “TED BAKER!” in crazed excitement whenever someone mentions the brand, take a look-see.
I recently re-watched the opening episode of Take Care of the Young Lady, a k-drama that starts out marvelously but ends in a discombobulating, messy pile of mushy crap, much like eating a triple decker spaghetti sandwich. What I failed to notice when I first watched the episode was this:
Yes, you saw it correctly. In this opening montage introducing the affluent leading lady, there is an issue of Poople magazine. Movies and TV shows often have terrible names for prop magazines, but this is by far my favorite. I mean, even if you don’t know English that well, how can you write “Poople” and not feel like something is off? Whenever I learn a new language, I immediately learn the term for excrement and all the swear words. But maybe that’s just me and fifth graders.
This is either a sneaky joke or an embarrassingly accurate foreshadowing of the end of this drama. Either way, I’m referring to People as “Poople” from now on because honestly, it’s a more appropriate name anyway.
The time has come to once again list my favorite search terms people have used to find my blog (read the first and second editions for context, if you’d like). Here they are, in all their screwed-up glory:
Rebecca Black Friday Flakes: I’m assuming this person was hoping to find Rebecca Black-inspired cereal and not dandruff. If cereal’s the case (please let it be the case), they’re in luck because I just invented some.
On this note, if you’d like to test your endurance for Friday Flakes, click here and see if you can make it to the 10 minute mark like a winner (yes, that is a challenge). I only made it 10 seconds.
Chicken Penis: Before you get all judgmental, ask yourself, do you know what a chicken penis looks like? I don’t. Most people don’t, because the rooster penis is internal, which I definitely did not learn by Googling “chicken penis” a moment ago.
You should watch this (in HD) because I made it and it doesn’t make a lot of sense.
Late recap list version of Gorilla vs Bear II is go:
1. It was awesome.
2. Glass Candy is great live, even if Ida No shrieks like a toddler that dropped their ice cream, or whatever toddlers are eating these days. Cheerios? Gummy bears? Absinthe? I don’t know.
I thought I posted this video I made back in May but I didn’t, and I want to for some reason even though I don’t really like it, so here it is. The May 2012 Bike Friendly Greenville Avenue ride around White Rock Lake in Dallas, TX.
I’ll be straight with you. This video is boring. How boring? Watch it and see (in 1080p). Considering all I had to work with was b-roll, crappy audio and a never-ending obsession with “Walkabout” (the song in the video), however, I’d say it could be a lot worse.
Originally, I posted the video on my sparse YouTube channel back in May, when it was appropriate to do so. Today, however, I noticed something distressing. I essentially made a typo, but video editing-style. What I mean is I made a few careless mistakes and didn’t double check the video upon exporting it. This could largely be chalked up to the fact that when I finished it, it was 5:00 in the morning and I was transitioning from drunk to hungover. Some of the images weren’t cropped correctly and didn’t line up with the framing, which left thin black lines at the sides of the screen in some places.
(Psst… watch this in HD for the highest low quality.)
This is a video collage of random beach-related YouTube vids that I threw together in a fan music video for Expwy.
His music makes me want to go to the beach… and ride a bike, I guess. I don’t even like the beach that much. Yeah, that’s how good this song is. Worth-getting-sand-up-your-ass good.
Okay, okay, the truth is I’ve been really beach-crazed this summer, like a baby-crazed woman on her 35th birthday who’s always wanted kids but doesn’t have any, only, y’know, with a beach.
MY BEACHOLOGICAL CLOCK IS TICKING.
I know. This is something we’re not supposed to admit. I say “we” because you do it too.
Cyber stalking. Cyberstalking. Is it one word or two? I’m going with one from here on out because… um… regardless:
Cyberstalking: America’s pastime (like it was ever really baseball anyway).
I used to think the biggest consequence of cyberstalking was being thought of as weird or creepy, or, more rarely, having the person you’re cyberstalking catch you in the act and having them ask, “Why is my name in your Google search bar?” and you’re like, “Uhhhhh I was just testing my search engine to make sure it worked” and they’re like, “I don’t believe you” and you’re like, “Well you shouldn’t be looking at my computer screen anyway” and they’re like, “That’s my computer and this is my house and how the hell did you get in here?!”
Ahem. Anyway, since I openly admit I am both weird and creepy, the stigma of cyberstalking someone (usually someone I’m attracted to) rarely keeps me from doing it. Not anymore though. Never again.
Or maybe always again.
That probably doesn’t make sense to you. Allow me to explain: (more…)
It’s the Friday the 13th miracle no one was asking for! Two blog posts in one day!
See this dress? It’s awesome, but it’s made out of something totally gross.
Find out what it’s made of after the jump.
Today is Friday the 13th, but it’s also National Cow Appreciation Day, which means free meals from Chick-Fil-A. The stipulation to the free food is that you have to dress up like a cow to get it. You can half-ass it and get a sandwich, or you can go full-cow and get an entire meal. Being poor and obsessed with Chick-Fil-A, I donned my best cowtfit and got my hooves on some delicious chicken. It got me thinking, though.
A while back, I wrote a post about fashion photo shoots on farms. It’s amazing that the world has so many crappy, pretentious farm photo spreads to offer, yet none that feature models posing as livestock. It’s a void that clearly needs to be filled, and I decided to take on the responsibility of doing so in the first ever Shit My Cake Says Photo Shoot:
I got my first tick today. I think it was a deer tick. It was big, and it was gross.
If you haven’t heard about the Gummy Bear Dress, allow me to fill you in. Someone made a dress out of 50,000 gummy bears that weighs 220 lbs because they were so inspired by the awesome Alexander McQueen dress pictured below that they just had to
plagiarize recreate it in gelatin-based candies.
It made me realize that I’ve missed several golden opportunities to make my own interpretations of beautiful things out of random crap. If only the bed I made out of graham cracker crumbs hadn’t been carried away by the ants. The ants. So many ants… so many… there wasn’t time…
Oh well. The good news is, there’s no shortage of artistic people with a few screws loose who get struck by inspiration the way I got struck by a shopping cart in a Kroger parking lot
because I tried to steal an old lady’s newly bought denture cleaner so I could see what it tasted like for no reason. People get inspired all the time, and they put the products of their inspirations online:
A Rant About People Who Don’t Like Me and How Terribly Self-Conscious I Feel When People Don’t Like Me. Also There’s Some Stuff About Professionalism in Here.
I am a total fucking bitch. I mean a Total. Fucking. Bitch.
Watch this at least once please so I can win free stuff from the awesome and admittedly sketchy Asian clothing website, Romwe.com! It’s a win-win. I actually win something, and you get to make fun of me FO’ LIFE!
Asian child, I will eat you. Don’t think I won’t do it.
I recently got a job at a fast food restaurant because I forgot why I went to college. The place where I work serves hot dogs, and not just any hot dogs. Delicious hot dogs (see: Figure 4). I’ve never been a huge hot dog fan (unless “hot dog” is a euphemism), but being around them constantly is making me crave them. Need them. (more…)
Sappy Graduation Post, Well, It’s Not That Sappy, but Whatever, It’s a Graduation Post but It’s Mostly About Sherman and Yes This Whole Sentence Is the Title of This Post.
You’re not cool if you don’t recognize the guy in this picture.
I graduated today, only not. Technically, I graduated early. Impressive, no? The answer actually is no because I only graduated a semester early, and honestly, it was an accident. I didn’t mean to be so damn efficient in my college career.
That’s a lie. I was not at all efficient in my college career, but in high school I did dual credit stuff at a community college so I could hang out with potheads who had animal hoarding problems. But that’s a story for another time.
Because I took those community college classes as a teen with misplaced anger issues, I didn’t have to go to college for as long as I thought I would. My plan was to go to Austin College (not in Austin) for a year or so, then transfer to a school that actually offered a program I was interested in. I swore I would not graduate from Austin College. I refused. I was going somewhere better.
I never transferred, and thank God for that.