Candy Candy Candy

Oh my spiders, you guys. IT’S OCTOBER 1ST. You know what that means…

… Halloween candy! YAAAAAAAAAY!

Fact: Halloween is the best day of all the days. Candy is the best food of all the diabetes-causing foods. Central Market is the best store of all the grocery stores in Texas. Therefore it stands to reason that Halloween candy from Central Market is the best of all the everything.

It is my great pleasure to review Central Market’s seasonal candy collection, which is what I’m about to do, in case you hadn’t figured that out.

The nice thing about Central Market is that along with normal, boring-people candy (Snickers bars? Puh-leeze), they have unusual, exciting candy for people who are really into candy, like me and… me.

Starting left, going clockwise, let the candy comments commence:

Fancy Candy Corn: Some people have a beef with candy corn. They say, “Candy corn, Y U NO TASTE LIKE CORN?” To them, I say, why the f**k would you want to eat candy that tastes like corn? Seriously, that’s disgusting. You’re disgusting. Go see a therapist or something.

Others have a problem with candy corn because they think it’s gross. They have a point considering it’s basically just orange-dyed cones of corn syrup. (Wait—does candy corn get its name from corn syrup? That would make sense.) I, however, love candy corn. It is delicious, and Central Market agrees with me because they sell it, and that’s what that means… right?

But Central Market isn’t wasting valuable shelf space on plain candy corn—they jazzed it up. This candy corn, fancy candy corn, contains traditional candy corn, Indian corn and pumpkins, but also, gasp, differently shaped pumpkins, witches, cats, owls, skulls, bats and corn cobs. Yes, pieces of candy corn that are actually shaped like real corn. IT’S AWESOME.

I mean, it tastes just like normal candy corn, but it’s a lot more fun to play with, which is what really matters. The fancy pieces of candy corn come in orange, yellow, brown and other brown. The brown and other (lighter) brown pieces taste sort of chocolatey, but about as chocolatey as the ends of Indian candy corn, so, you know, not really chocolatey at all.

Caramel Apple Candy Corn: If you don’t eat the butts of caramel part of the candy corn, then it’s tasty like cinnamon apples. If you do eat the candy corn pieces whole, then they taste like delicious apple covered in sugar poop. I’m not much of a caramel person. I am an apple person, though. Side note: I did not eat 20 apples in the last week. That would be weird. It wasn’t me, okay?! Maybe it was me.

The cool part of buying a prepackaged container of this stuff was that it came with vampire teeth:

I mean, yeah, it’s just a factory screw up and these are really just prematurely-birthed candy corn siamese twins, but they look like vampire teeth. They were delicious, too, because there was no caramel on them.

Gummy Brains: Gummy brains taste so good that I decided to try real brains too. I wouldn’t recommend them. They’re all bloody and slimy. On an unrelated note, if anyone would like to post my bail, it would be greatly appreciated.

Gummy brains taste fruity, like watermelon!

Tangerine Candy Corn: At first taste, this candy corn tasted like a combination of little girl perfume and plastic, but in a good way. At second taste, I decided that they indeed kind of tasted like tangerines, if tangerines were sweeter and wore purple shoes.

Chocolate-covered Candy Corn: Pretty much anything coated in chocolate is good (except this), so as you’d expect, this ain’t bad. A little weird, but not bad.

Candy Corn Jujubes: These are definitely the strangest-tasting candies I acquired from Central Market and everywhere in general. They almost taste like candy corn and almost have the consistency of marshmallows—almost. The good news is they won’t rip your teeth out like most Jujubes, so you won’t have to get dentures before the age of 60, unless you get into some kind of horrible accident. Hopefully that won’t happen to you.

Unless you like Nickleback.

Pumpkin Spice Malt Balls: In general, I don’t like malt balls. They’re gross and taste like old people. However…

HOLY F**K THESE PUMPKIN MALT BALLS ARE GOOD. Really. They will

change
your
life.

Ghost Jujubes: Ghost jujubes come in orange, pina colada and black flavors. Don’t ask me what the hell the black ones are supposed to taste like, because I seriously don’t know. They’re like a cross between grape, black licorice and dried globs of hot glue. They taste good but they’re so difficult to chew that eating them might not be worth the effort. The orange and white ghosts are considerably easier to chew, though they still don’t slide down your gullet with the ease of gummy brains. Only the black ones are truly difficult. I could get racist with that, but I’ll leave it alone… for now.

Gummy BOO: Gummy letters always taste good, like gummy worms and bears. The problem with gummy letters is whenever you need to spell specific words, certain letters that you previously saw frequently disappear. That’s how you end up with a mangled letter B, as pictured above, because all the other Bs decided to hide in the back of Central Market’s candy trough where I couldn’t find them. B is for bitches.

I have two other candy items that are not pictured in the photo at the top of the post, due to making another trip to Central Market and finding two more things because self-control is a distant memory:

Gumball Cat: Isn’t Gumball Cat adorable?!

Gummy Teeth: The most surprising thing about gummy teeth is how delicious they are. Really. I bought these apprehensively (but still excitedly, of course), thinking they were cool but unsure of what their flavor would be. Toothpaste-flavored? Gingivitis-flavored?

Turns out, they’re ambiguously fruity. They taste like fruit, but I can’t pinpoint any specific fruit. Maybe that’s actually what the insides of our teeth taste like, but we’ll never know.

Gummy teeth are also great for scaring off potential suitors. Unfortunately they attract creepy potential suitors in place of the ones they just scared away.

Now go eat some candy!