100th Not Anniversary

I turn 100 today, sort of. This is my one hundredth post. Numero uno cero cero. Cien. Hundra. Een honderd. 百. In my old age I’ve gained much wisdom about the internet and blogging. Mostly the internet, though, and truthfully, next to nothing about blogging… or the internet. I know nothing. But that’s never stopped me from pretending I know what I’m talking about.

100 (AKA 5) Internetish Things I’ve Learned Over 100 WordPress Posts:

1. People really like to Google search boobs. Like, a lot. A lot. And their porn seeking is not deterred by “wordpress” being in a site’s domain name. If it’s tagged with “boobs” they will look at it, just in case the world’s best pair of boobs is hidden somewhere between poop jokes and rants about TV.

2. Beliebers are weird. You’ve known it for years, but I am absolutely fascinated by this group of “people.” They are tighter than any cult or racial minority. They believe in one thing: Bieber. They will destroy anyone or anything blocking their path to Bieber or Bieber Enlightenment. They are also in limitless supply. Been on Twitter lately? Of course you have, you were looking for porn. You didn’t find porn but you did find that for every spambot on Twitter, there are 10 Beliebers. This fact is unconfirmed and untrue but 100% REALLY TRUE. Did the capital letters draw your eye so you didn’t see the rest of that sentence? Yes. Bieber has rabid fans who I’m pretty sure would literally die for him, so if he doesn’t start an actual cult or form his own totalitarian nation soon, I will be really disappointed. You only get one chance to be the next North Korea, and he’d be a fool to miss his opportunity.

3. Apparently I am a lesbian. Someone commented on one of my posts once and all they said was “lesbian.” They deleted the comment a day later. This means I am a victim of gay bullying,* cyber subcategory, even though I am neither gay or a victim of bullying. Now that I’ve been directly involved, I care about the cause. I’m going to bring this up at my next PTA meeting. They keep throwing me out but it’s just on the minor technicality that I don’t have kids. They have to let me back in eventually. This is America, dammit, and if I want to attend a PTA meeting as a childless 22-year-old, I will be allowed to do so or I will pony up my leftover Chuck-E-Cheese tokens to pay that lawyer that represented that lady that spilled McDonald’s coffee on her vagina. I said “that” a lot in that sentence—dammit I did that again—dammit, again!

*(Serious note: I’m kidding about the gay bullying. It is a grave issue. Gay bullying, and bullying in general, is wrong, has always been wrong, and will always be wrong.)

4. Supernatural still gets a lot of viewers, or at least its old viewers are still dedicated fans, because tagging a post with “Sam and Dean Winchester” brings in a fair amount of traffic, especially if you also use the tag “shirtless.” (Sensing a pattern here? If you’re not, I’ll spell it out for you. It’s porn.)

5. There are people in this world who hate Crocs as much as I do. I was starting to think I was the only one, like how I still feel I’m alone in my hatred for Snuggies ever since Allison at Here’s Lookin’ at You, Squid went to the dark side because it was fuzzy and warm over there. Not quite the intimidation George Lucas had in mind, but you catch more flies with honey, or rather, Snuggies.

I’m stopping there because I don’t know anything else and also, I want to go eat a Fake Korean Death Meal. Cheers.