It’s Christmas time, so it only makes sense that I should write about last Halloween. Here’s a step-by-step guide of how to turn yourself into that herpes-infested pumpkin lady we all love to loathe so much.
1. Outfit: Obtain the ugliest, sluttiest dress you can find. High hemline + low neckline = perfect Snooki dress. Since I was not willing to buy a fugly dress for the purpose of wearing it once, I borrowed one from a coworker. It was short, low-cut, and had leopard print on it. You don’t have to be picky about the dress as long as it meets those three criterion. Season the dress with necklaces, rings, and humongous hoop earrings to taste.
2. Shoes: Don’t forget about shoes. The shoes must either be sky-high heels or Uggs hairy enough to be mistaken for dogs. No exceptions.
This is a proper example of Snooki footwear.
3. Tan: This step is a little more challenging. If you’re like me, tans are elusive beings your skin doesn’t play nice with, so the solution comes down to make-up. I went to CVS and bought a bottle of “Nut Brown” (how appropriate) L’oreal TrueMatch liquid foundation. Then I smothered it ALL over myself—face, neck, arms, ears, etc. Lemme tell ya, that stuff is long-lasting. Plan to wear it for at least four hours, if not more. It’s going to take you like two hours to scrub off in the shower, three if you’re not using steel wool.
4. Make up: Unless your eyebrows are already black, fill them in with black eyeliner. Then smear generous amounts of the eyeliner around your eyes. Fake eyelashes are a nice bonus, but if you’re like me and hate them, copious amounts of eyeliner will work. You can add glitter to your face and/or body if you want. It doesn’t matter where. Top off the look with the lightest color of lipstick you can find. If you don’t have access to light-colored lipstick, do what I did and put pale pink eyeshadow on your lips.
5. Nails: Snooki is not complete without her nails. Get the tackiest, shiniest, most animal-printed nails you can find and attach them to your real ones. I recommend the press-on kind over the kind you have to glue on. If you glue them on, you’ll be sitting in one spot for an hour with your hands engulfed in a bowl of nail polish remover, praying the damn things will come off.
6. Sunglasses (Optional): I went for sunglasses since Snooki wears them all the freaking time, but they are not necessary. The decision is up to you. THE POWER IS YOURS.
7. Boobs: You need to maximize your boob size to adequately imitate Snooki. I accomplished this by stuffing washcloths in my bra. There’s no right way to temporarily enhance your boobs, you just have to find what method works for you, dependent on whether or not your breasts are the size of M&Ms, watermelons, or somewhere in between.
8. Hair: Lastly, and perhaps most importantly, you will need a wig. If you already have long hair, you can temporarily dye it black or spray it with black hair spray. My hair’s only mid-length and I wasn’t taking any chances with messing up my dye job, so I found a “Bronzed Babe” (guidette) wig at WalMart. The poof wasn’t quite big enough, though, so I teased it and sprayed it into a bigger bump. You may choose to put a trucker hat over your blackened, voluminous hair, but this is not necessary.
Congratulations, you are now much more unattractive than you were before. At least you’re not dressed as Snooki dressed as whatever the hell she’s supposed to be: