Elephantitis of the Sweater

Today, I’d like to talk about something very serious. A health epidemic that has been sweeping the nation for years.

Elephant sweaters.

There’s nothing wrong with elephants. There’s also nothing wrong with sweaters, except for the kinds that 60-year-olds wear to Christmas parties, or the kind Michael Moore wears when he does his daily self-affirmations in the mirror, trying to tell himself that he’s not the worst thing that’s ever happened to political cinema. There isn’t even anything wrong with wearing a sweater with an elephant on it. Unless it looks like this:

It seems that hipsters everywhere are clambering to get their arms through some cashmere elephant trunks. One or two of these sweaters are fine– I daresay even cute. But if the hipsters keep wearing them, soon we’re going to see this:

And no one wants that.