Shelby’s pre-cal class was about five feet from where we were standing, so the walk to her class was not a long one.
“Thanks for walking me all the way to my faraway class,” she said.
Loser, I thought to myself. What were you thinking? “Hey, Shelby, want me to walk you to your class that’s only a Verne Troyer and a half away from where we’re standing right now?”
“Look, what I was going to ask you earlier is if—”
“’Sup, Shelby,” Todd’s voice boomed, interrupting her. He put his meaty arm around her waist, and she immediately slinked away. He looked at me. “’Sup, Queer.”
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February 20, 2011 | Categories: Awkward, Bored, Comedy, Fiction, High School, Humor, Love, Pop Culture, Romance, Uncategorized, WTF | Tags: class, crush, dick, dildo, dildos, douche, fear, high school, I Punched a Girl, jocks, laugh, locker, locker penis, love, penis, pre-cal, romance, shit my cake says, shitmycakesays, Verne Troyer, vibrator | 1 Comment »
I gulped so intensely I knew she could hear it. Stupid Adam’s apple.
“Hhhheh,” I croaked. That was loser for “hi”.
“Hi, Cavan,” she said. “I—”
“Shelby! What happened to your nose?” Emilio asked.
“Cavan punched her,” Andy said, French fries dropping out of his mouth.
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February 16, 2011 | Categories: Awkward, Bored, Comedy, Fiction, High School, Humor, Love, Pop Culture, Romance, Uncategorized | Tags: Aliens, Andy Summers, awkward, best friends, Cavan, class, Dear Abby, embarrassment, Facebook, fear, gay, hair, high school, I Punched a Girl, I Punched a Girl: Part VII, jokes, Just Like Heaven, Loch Ness Monster, love story, reasons why I'm gay, romance, romantic comedy, Ryan Sheckler, Shelby Waters, shit my cake says, shitmycakesays, skateboarding, TV, YouTube | Leave A Comment »
This year, I cannot celebrate Valentine’s Day and must instead celebrate Singles Awareness Day. You see, I recently got dumped. It was for the best, though, because my ex was practically verbally abusive. He’d say unnecessarily hurtful things, like, “I don’t think you should carry that gun on school property” and “I find it somewhat strange that you’ll only sleep on mattresses stuffed with human hair” and “I think your collection of disembodied doll heads is a little creepy”. I mean, dragging my doll heads into his personal problems? What a freak.
Anyway, because I’m single now, I’ve made a list of fun things single people can do on Singles Awareness Day (SAD):
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February 13, 2011 | Categories: Awkward, Bored, Comedy, Holidays, Humor, Internet, Pop Culture, Uncategorized, WTF | Tags: $13000 watch, amusement, army, bf, bikini, Blockbuster, book, break up, Breaking the Waves, butts, canoe, canoeing, canoeing in cold weather, casual sex, cats, celebrate, celebration, church, cold weather, comedy, condom, couples, crazy, Dancer in the Dark, dancing, dating, death in seven days, depressing movies, doll collection, doll head collection, ex, ex-boyfriend, ex-girlfriend, expensive clothes, Facebook, Facebook profile, family friendly, Feb 14, February 14, feces, four wheelers, freak, friends, fun, fun things to do, funny, garden gnomes, getting dumped, getting laid on Valentine's Day, gf, gnomes, Go Taco Bell Surfing, gun, hairy, Have a Romantic Comedy Movie Marathon, Hit Up a Nightclub, Home Depot, homemade, horny, Hotel Rwanda, locker room, mall, mashed potatoes, mate, mattresses with human hair, meat filler, men, Million Dollar Baby, mom, neighborhood, night club, nonmeat, overweight, paint, paint the town red, paint trees, parking lot, personal problems, pigeon poop, pigeons, pool, poor people, potatoes, preschooler, public swimming pool, rat poison, Read a Where’s Waldo Book While Steering a Canoe in a Public Swimming Pool, red paint, romance, romantic comedies, romantic movies, Run Over Potatoes with a Four-Wheeler in a Church Parking Lot, SAD, school, Send Your Ex Supportive Facebook Messages, Seven Pounds, single, Singles Awareness Day, small children, social, socialize, Sophie’s Choice, speeding, strangers, stray cats, surfing, swim, swimming, Taco Bell, tacos, teens, Thanksgiving, The Fly, Tie Garden Gnomes on Local Stray Cats’ Backs, towel, town, Valentine's Day, Walk Alone in a Bad Neighborhood, walking along at night, walking through a bad neighborhood, watch you sleep, wet, wet towel, Where's Waldo, Whip Prospective Mates’ Butts with a Wet Towel, X games | Leave A Comment »
Yahoo! Answers is a breeding ground for teenagers, the desperate, trolls, and troll dolls, so naturally, I hang out there sometimes. I’ve compiled a list of the weirdest questions I’ve come across in that weird, weird place in cyberspace.
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February 6, 2011 | Categories: Awkward, Bored, Comedy, Creepy, Drugs, Humor, Internet, Uncategorized, WTF | Tags: Alabama, answers, ants, attraction to cats, aunt, Axe body spray, back, balls of steel, bendy straw, black ants, blow up doll, boyfriend, boys, brother, butt itches, butter, can you eat ants, cannibalism, cats, chocolate, cigarettes, clubbing, cocaine, coffee, condoms, cousin sex, crazy, crazy girls, crazy people, creepy, crush, dare, dental floss, distilled water, do you like waffles, do you think I'm pretty, drugs, drunk, energy drink, exams, exercise, fire ants, first cousin, first trimester, gatorade, girlfriend, girls, gym, high, high school, high school sex, hot tub, hours, incest, inch, Internet, male enhancement, mayonnaise, meat, mom, mom sex, nervous game, Oedipus complex, old, penis, penis enhancement, penis enlargement, permission, pervert, police, poop, poop stuck, poop stuck in butt, pregnancy, Prince Charles, rectal itching, red bull, relationships, Rock star, rockstar, rooster, second cousin, sex in school, shoulders, singles and dating, sister, studying, substance abuse, suicide threat, teenagers, teens, trash, trolls, waffles, WHO WAS PHONE, why are girls so into me, why can't I grow wings, wings, working out, Yahoo Answers | Leave A Comment »
After fourth period, I met up with Andy and we walked to lunch.
“Andy!” Christie screeched from down the hall. Andy cringed.
See, Christie was this annoying cheerleader who’d had a crush on Andy since, like, fourth grade. She was part of the Rice Kristies, a horrible pun and a group of three girls named “Kristie”—Christie, Kristie, and Criystee, the last of whom had parents who apparently never learned how to spell. All three members of the Rice Kristies (God, it pains me to even say those words) were cheerleaders, but Christie was the only brunette and, frankly, the only unattractive one. Kristie was dumb but hot, and Criystee defied her parents’ legacy by grasping the concept of phonetics. She was also cute and ranked number two in our class. Then there was Christie, who was both marginally ugly and painfully stupid, and boy did she love Andy.
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February 5, 2011 | Categories: Awkward, Bored, Comedy, Fiction, High School, Humor, Love, Romance, Uncategorized | Tags: Andy, blonde, broken nose, brunette, Cavan, cheerleaders, chicken spaghetti, chocolate milk, Emilio, fiction, fourth period, french fries, high school, Hispanic, I Punched a Girl, Latino, love, lunch, pun, punch, Rice Kristies, romance, school cafeteria, Shelby Waters, shit my cake says, shitmycakesays, spelling, talking with mouth full | Leave A Comment »
A while ago, I made a list of a few bizarre search terms people used to find my blog. After seeing more weird words pop up over the last month or so, I selected my favorite search terms and categorized them by Misspellings, Monica Lewinsky, Questions, Creepy Fetishes, Whatever This Is, and Miscellaneous.
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February 4, 2011 | Categories: Awkward, Bored, Comedy, Creepy, Humor, Internet, Uncategorized, WTF | Tags: 2nd Edition, Albino sexual deviancy, Aliens, american beauty, amrican lemon, astronaut food, boobs, bucket of hot dogs, cake shit tube, Can I slowly bleed into my throat from a punch, Come On Eileen, Creepy Fetishes, Cyberstalking: Facebook Edition, Denny, Do teen boys wear overalls?, Do they turn poop into bacon in Japan, fetishes, Girl shits out of car, Greek, horrible shitting, Is the song power by Kanye West about LSD, Janitor masturbating Ohio 2011, Japan, Japan cake from shit, KFC, KFC lil’ bucket strawberry shortcake, kfc rasist, Kit Kat cola falvour Japanese buy, Kumon Math and Reading Center, marsupials, McDonald's Grimace porn, miscellaneous, Misspellings, Monica Lewinsky, Monica Lewinsky boobs, Monica Lewinsky masturbating .com, сверхъестественное фото, трогательные мать и дитя, porn, pretty snake kitty sweater, purple porn, Questions, rapper, road trip, satanic shit, Shaving market, shit my cake says, shitmycakesays, sniffing hair, So you’ve fallen and pooped, stalker tutoring, Strawberry Shortcake, Sylvan Learning Center, Talking to my mom is awkward, The girl with free hugs shit who is she, Volupouis girls, Walking Three Feet Behind All Stalkees at All Times, Whatever This Is, WTF, WTF Search Terms | Leave A Comment »
“Bye, Sweetie!” my mom cried over my sister’s Miley Cyrus music as I stepped out of her car. Then she drove away to drop my sister off at her school.
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February 3, 2011 | Categories: Awkward, Comedy, Fiction, High School, Humor, Love, Romance, Wellness, WTF | Tags: Aliens, Andy, bandage, boy, broken nose, Cavan, girl, high school, High School Musical 3, hit, I Punched a Girl, little sister, lockers, Miley Cyrus, mom, Music, punch, puppy love, romance, Scientology, sex, Shelby Waters, Todd, Tom Cruise | Leave A Comment »